All Fours
Chapter 5
by July;, MirandaThe chapter opens with the narrator embarking on a drive through familiar Los Angeles areas, initially feeling mundane but gradually becoming aware of the weight of solitary travel. They distract themselves with music and snacks, hesitating to start an audiobook too soon. The isolation prompts introspection, and an unexpected call from their father interrupts the monotony. Their father, using a loaner phone, launches into an eccentric monologue about his “new soul”—a metaphysical concept where his original essence has been replaced, leaving memories intact but devoid of emotional connection to his family. The narrator responds with detached amusement, reflecting their strained relationship.
The father elaborates on his “walk-in” soul theory, explaining that these entities inhabit grown bodies to bypass childhood. He admits feeling nothing for his wife of fifty years or his daughter, though his behavior—always self-absorbed—hasn’t drastically changed. The narrator coldly acknowledges his claims, recalling how they once mirrored his anxieties but now maintain emotional distance. The conversation shifts to the “deathfield,” the father’s term for a persistent state of depression and panic, which he endures with grim tenacity. He mentions meditating for hours daily, resigned to his existential turmoil. The narrator reflects on childhood moments shaped by his paranoia, like obsessively monitoring their mother’s flight for potential crashes.
During the call, the narrator notices their gas tank isn’t full and decides to refuel, using it as an excuse to end the conversation. At a Monrovia gas station, they overanalyze their tires and opt for a full-service check, striking up a awkward exchange with a bearded attendant about local restaurants. A young employee cleaning their windshield locks eyes with the narrator, creating a fleeting, surreal connection. The narrator oscillates between interpreting his expressions as meaningful and realizing he’s likely distracted by earbuds. The moment dissolves into ambiguity, leaving the narrator momentarily disoriented before moving on.
The chapter closes with the narrator driving away, already forgetting the gas station encounter, yet the earlier interactions linger. The father’s bizarre soul theory and the stranger’s ambiguous gaze underscore themes of isolation and the elusive nature of human connection. The narrator’s journey—both physical and emotional—hints at a deeper search for meaning, punctuated by fleeting encounters and unresolved familial tensions. The prose balances wry humor with melancholy, capturing the protagonist’s detached yet observant perspective.
FAQs
1. How does the narrator’s interaction with her father reveal the complexities of their relationship?
Answer:
The phone conversation with her father highlights a strained yet familiar dynamic. While the narrator initially plans to cut the call short, she resigns herself to listening to his monologue, indicating a mix of obligation and detachment. His revelation about his “new soul” — claiming no emotional connection to their shared past — underscores his emotional unavailability. The narrator’s cold, monosyllabic responses contrast with childhood memories where she mirrored his anxiety (like waiting for news of her mother’s plane crash). This juxtaposition reveals how their relationship has evolved from enmeshment to emotional distance, with the narrator now guarding herself against his instability.2. Analyze the significance of the “deathfield” concept in the chapter. How does it shape the father’s worldview?
Answer:
The “deathfield” is the father’s term for a persistent state of depression and panic, which he frames as an inescapable reality. His belief that his mother was in the deathfield when she died by suicide suggests he sees it as both a hereditary and existential condition. This concept dominates his life — he meditates for hours daily yet claims no control over his “walk-in” soul, reflecting his fatalistic outlook. The narrator, however, rejects this worldview, asserting confidence that she’ll never experience it. The deathfield thus becomes a metaphor for their ideological divide: his resignation to suffering versus her determination to avoid it.3. What does the gas station scene reveal about the narrator’s mindset during her journey?
Answer:
The narrator’s insistence on a full tank and unnecessary stop for tire checks exposes her anxiety about the trip. Her compulsive need to “start fresh” and avoid future stops mirrors her broader desire for control amid uncertainty. The interaction with the windshield cleaner further reveals her vulnerability: she projects meaning onto their eye contact (interpreting it as intense connection), only to realize he was distracted by a podcast. This moment of self-awareness — recognizing her tendency to romanticize strangers — hints at her loneliness and the emotional risks of her solitary journey. The scene captures her oscillation between hyper-vigilance and dissociation.4. How does the author use mundane details to convey the narrator’s emotional state?
Answer:
The chapter anchors the narrator’s introspection in tangible details: snacks in the car, a Portishead song skipped halfway, and the “three-quarters full” gas tank. These trivialities become vehicles for deeper unease. For example, her fixation on the gas gauge escalates into a metaphor for preparedness (“I want to start fresh”), while the aborted playlist reflects her avoidance of introspection. Even the father’s “loaner phone” subtly parallels his “loaner soul,” emphasizing impermanence. By grounding existential questions in everyday objects, the author shows how the narrator’s inner turmoil manifests in hyper-awareness of her physical surroundings.
Quotes
1. “It was a strange indignity to be driving through familiar parts of town as if I were going grocery shopping.”
This opening line captures the protagonist’s surreal sense of embarking on a significant journey while still in mundane surroundings, setting the tone for the chapter’s exploration of transition and self-reflection.
2. “He described looking at my mom and still remembering their fifty-year story but not feeling anything in particular for her.”
This poignant quote reveals the father’s emotional detachment through his “walk-in soul” theory, illustrating the chapter’s theme of fractured relationships and the human struggle to make sense of emotional changes.
3. “From what I gather the deathfield is what most people would call depression. Or a combination of panic and depression.”
This explanation of the father’s “deathfield” concept provides crucial insight into the family’s history of mental health struggles while showing the protagonist’s attempt to rationalize her father’s worldview.
4. “We kept listening, silently, together.”
This brief yet powerful sentence encapsulates the shared anxiety between father and daughter, demonstrating how the protagonist’s childhood was shaped by her father’s catastrophic thinking patterns.
5. “I felt a little disoriented. What had I gotten myself into? Would this never end? And at the same time I had a growing anxiety about the end.”
This moment at the gas station mirrors the protagonist’s broader journey - both the literal road trip and her emotional journey - capturing the simultaneous fear of permanence and impermanence that runs through the chapter.