All Fours
Chapter 16
by July;, MirandaThe chapter opens with the narrator grappling with Harris’s decision to work with Caro and the London Symphony Orchestra, leaving her alone with their child, Sam. She feels a mix of guilt and self-loathing, criticizing her own “disgusting, vain, profoundly selfish” inner life. While she manages to maintain a structured routine with Sam, she struggles to create a genuine family atmosphere, feeling it’s all an act. Harris’s absence highlights her emotional turmoil, though Sam’s small encouragements during her workouts bring fleeting moments of warmth.
A conversation with Jordi delves into the narrator’s performative identity, particularly how she presents a stable facade to Sam and Harris despite her inner chaos. Jordi challenges her to consider whether this “flattening” of herself is necessary, suggesting that erratic behavior doesn’t equate to irresponsibility. Their discussion touches on the cyclical nature of women’s lives versus men’s hormonal constancy, symbolized by the phrase “Every day is Tuesday”—a metaphor for living by one’s biological rhythms rather than societal norms.
When Harris returns, his presence disrupts the narrator’s rigid routines but also injects energy into the household. She observes his seamless reintegration, though she questions whether he, too, is performing. Their reunion is awkward, with the narrator overcompensating with chatter before retreating to avoid further embarrassment. Their parallel jet lag-induced insomnia briefly connects them, but once Harris adjusts, she’s left alone again with her restless thoughts.
The chapter closes with the narrator consulting Dr. Mendoza about hormone replacement therapy, motivated by vanity but also aware of its deeper health benefits. Her desire to “be dewy, almost reborn” for an upcoming event underscores her ongoing struggle with aging and self-image. The doctor’s reassurance that bioidentical hormones protect both external and internal health offers a glimmer of hope, tying back to the chapter’s themes of transformation and the tension between appearance and reality.
FAQs
1. How does the narrator describe her experience of solo parenting compared to co-parenting with Harris?
Answer:
The narrator finds solo parenting both easier and more hollow. While she appreciates the ability to run a “tight ship” with structured routines like having Sam make their bed and fold napkins, she struggles to generate a genuine “healthy, hearty family feeling” alone (page 184). The days feel “anemic” despite activities like bike rides and baths, suggesting performative parenting. In contrast, Harris disrupts their systems but brings energetic engagement (e.g., wrestling Sam “wholeheartedly”), highlighting how his contrasting “Driver” personality complements her style (page 185). This duality reflects the tension between control and spontaneity in family dynamics.2. Analyze the significance of Jordi’s statement: “If you’re lying to Harris, aren’t you lying to Sam?”
Answer:
Jordi’s question critiques the narrator’s compartmentalization of self. The narrator admits presenting a “more even-keeled” version of herself to Sam, mirroring her emotional dishonesty with Harris (page 184). This exposes a central conflict: the pressure to “perform sameness” for societal norms versus embracing natural hormonal and emotional cycles. Jordi challenges this by advocating for normalizing change (“Erratic doesn’t mean crazy”), framing authenticity as healthier than forced consistency (page 184). The tension escalates when Sam performs for an “imaginary audience,” subtly mirroring the narrator’s own performative tendencies, suggesting generational patterns of self-editing.3. What symbolic meaning does the phrase “Every day is Tuesday” hold in the chapter?
Answer:
The phrase critiques rigid societal structures (like workweeks) that ignore biological rhythms. Borrowed from Arkanda’s system of numbering days, it represents rejecting external calendars in favor of personal cycles—such as working intensely for two weeks, then resting during menstruation (page 185). This metaphor challenges “hormonal constancy” associated with male physiology, advocating for systems that honor female bodily autonomy. Jordi’s bumper-sticker repetition of the phrase (page 185) underscores its thematic weight: a call to redesign lifestyles around internal clocks rather than conforming to patriarchal norms of productivity.4. How does the narrator’s interaction with Dr. Mendoza reveal her motivations for hormone therapy?
Answer:
While the narrator initially cites vanity (e.g., wanting “dewy” skin for Davey’s dance), Dr. Mendoza reframes hormone therapy as holistic care, noting parallel internal benefits like joint protection and dementia risk reduction (page 186). This exchange highlights the narrator’s conflicted priorities: superficial desires mask deeper fears of aging and bodily decay. The doctor’s smile suggests gentle admonishment, emphasizing that vanity-driven choices can align with health—if contextualized properly. The scene subtly critiques societal pressures on women to prioritize youth while revealing the narrator’s anxiety about physical decline.5. Evaluate how the chapter portrays the tension between transformation and stability in relationships.
Answer:
The narrator and Jordi celebrate their “constant transformation” as a “big secret,” contrasting with their performed “sameness” for others (page 184). Yet this churn is “painful,” revealing the exhaustion of self-reinvention. Harris’s return exacerbates this: his jet lag briefly synchronizes with her insomnia, but their rhythms soon diverge again (page 186), mirroring their emotional disconnect. The chapter suggests relationships require balancing growth with consistency—e.g., Harris’s “acting” during family play (page 185) hints at the labor of maintaining stability amid internal change. Ultimately, the narrator’s retreat to her bedroom (page 186) underscores the loneliness of unresolved tension.
Quotes
1. “These days nothing I felt was admirable or defensible. My entire inner life—my soul—was disgusting, vain, profoundly selfish. Only by lifting actual blocks of iron could I redeem myself for a short time.”
This quote captures the narrator’s intense self-loathing and existential crisis, revealing how physical exertion becomes her only perceived path to temporary redemption. It sets the tone for the chapter’s exploration of identity, self-perception, and the struggle for authenticity.
2. “Our constant transformation was a big secret, of course—for the world, even for Sam, we performed sameness.”
This insightful passage articulates the central tension between internal transformation and external performance, particularly regarding feminine identity. It introduces the chapter’s key theme about the societal pressure to maintain a facade of stability despite natural human flux.
3. “Every day is Tuesday.”
This deceptively simple phrase becomes a powerful metaphor for rejecting rigid societal structures in favor of biological and personal rhythms. It represents the narrator’s emerging philosophy of living according to one’s natural cycles rather than artificial calendars.
4. “Vanity is a great motivator because you can see the outside of your body. But remember that the same changes are happening on the inside, too.”
Dr. Mendoza’s advice highlights the chapter’s exploration of aging and authenticity, suggesting that superficial concerns can reveal deeper truths about our relationship with our bodies and mortality. It connects physical appearance to broader questions of health and identity.
5. “I ached with missing, not him.”
This brief but potent statement reveals the narrator’s complex emotional landscape and unspoken desires. It encapsulates the chapter’s themes of unfulfilled longing and the gap between domestic reality and personal yearning.