All Fours
Chapter 19
by July;, MirandaThe chapter opens with a strained domestic scene between the narrator and her husband, Harris, as they go through the motions of their routine with cold politeness. Their once-familiar interactions now feel hollow, and Harris announces he will spend one night a week in his office, mirroring the narrator’s own behavior. The tension between them is palpable, particularly when Harris notices her new belt, hinting at unspoken conflicts. Their conversation about scheduling feels more like a negotiation between divorced parents than a married couple, underscoring the emotional distance that has grown between them.
The narrator confides in her friend Jordi, speculating that Harris might be having an affair with a younger woman, Caro. Though Jordi dismisses the idea as absurd, the narrator clings to it as a way to rationalize Harris’s detachment. Their dialogue reveals the narrator’s internal turmoil, oscillating between hope and despair. She compares their situation to a plane crash, with the aftermath still unfolding, while Jordi offers reassurance, quoting a Jungian self-help book about temporary reactions. The exchange highlights the narrator’s struggle to reconcile her fears with the possibility of reconciliation.
On the night Harris spends away, the narrator throws herself into parenting, trying to distract both herself and her child, Sam, from the growing tension at home. Their playful attempts to disrupt routine are overshadowed by the eerie howls of coyotes, mirroring the narrator’s unease. She briefly entertains the idea of hiring a detective to spy on Harris but dismisses it. When Harris returns, she scrutinizes him for signs of infidelity but finds none, leaving her uncertain about the true state of their relationship.
By midweek, the narrator realizes their separate nights may be the first steps toward divorce, a possibility that shocks her despite the mounting evidence. She reflects on their shared history, particularly the challenges of parenthood, and mourns the potential loss of their intertwined lives. In a moment of emotional regression, she searches for an old flame, Davey, online, only to be confronted with jealousy over his new partner. The chapter ends with her picking up Sam from school, clinging to the normalcy of motherhood as a lifeline amidst her unraveling marriage.
FAQs
1. How does the narrator describe the change in communication between herself and Harris at the beginning of the chapter?
Answer:
The narrator contrasts their current “cold vacancy” with what she now recognizes as their “secret, special marriage language” of polite exchanges like “Do you want to drive them to school or should I?” (page 221). Their former interactions, once perceived as mere formality, are revealed to have been intimate in hindsight, while their present communication—though similarly structured—lacks emotional connection. This shift underscores the emotional disintegration of their marriage, where even logistical discussions about Harris spending Mondays in his office feel like “people talking about custody” (page 221).2. Analyze the significance of the belt mentioned in the chapter. How does it function symbolically and practically for the narrator?
Answer:
The belt serves as both a physical reminder and a symbolic boundary. When Harris notices it (page 221), it triggers a “psychic tussle,” suggesting unresolved tension about the narrator’s infidelity. She explicitly states she wears it “so I don’t forget which fork of the path to go down” (page 222), implying it anchors her to a chosen moral direction post-affair. Yet its presence also exposes marital fractures—Harris’s gaze and the narrator’s defensive interpretation (“the side his dick was on,” page 222) reveal mutual distrust and sexual alienation.3. How does the narrator’s conversation with Jordi reflect her coping mechanisms for marital strife?
Answer:
The dialogue showcases the narrator’s oscillation between rationalization and despair. She fixates on Harris potentially having an affair with Caro, calling it a “strange relief, a bone to chew on” (page 222), using speculation to avoid confronting her own guilt. Jordi counters with Jungian platitudes (“The initial reaction isn’t the eternal reaction,” page 222), which they’ve previously used to deflect accountability in relationships. The narrator’s analogy of a plane crash (page 222) reveals her catastrophic thinking, while “lag time” becomes a euphemism for the painful limbo before inevitable collapse.4. What does the narrator’s interaction with Sam reveal about her approach to parenting during the marital crisis?
Answer:
The narrator attempts to compensate for domestic instability through performative mothering. She embraces chaos (“sliding around in Tupperware shoes,” page 223) to distract Sam, yet insists on routines (“a certain amount of boring things just have to happen,” page 223), revealing her need for control. Sam’s “I like chaos” (page 223) subtly mirrors the narrator’s own unraveling. Later, her “desperation” to see Sam (page 224) contrasts with their normalcy (showing a spoon for show-and-tell), highlighting her emotional dependency on the child to fill the void Harris’s absence creates.5. Evaluate the narrator’s late-night search for “Sacramento Hertz” and her reaction to finding Denise. What does this reveal about her emotional state?
Answer:
This moment exposes the narrator’s self-destructive impulses and unresolved trauma. Searching for Davey’s workplace (page 223) is a regression to her affair, while fixating on Denise—a “rude young woman” (page 224)—allows her to project jealousy onto a faceless rival. Her graphic imagination of Denise’s behavior (“sucking his dick in the staff bathroom,” page 224) and subsequent unwanted arousal illustrate both sexual shame and a compulsive reenactment of pain. The comparison to “pantsless under a bridge” (page 224) underscores her loss of agency, framing desire as a degrading force beyond her control.
Quotes
1. “What had once seemed like formality was, in retrospect, a secret, special marriage language. Our new, cold vacancy: this was formal.”
This quote captures the protagonist’s painful realization about the deterioration of her marriage. The contrast between past intimacy (disguised as formality) and present emptiness highlights how relational dynamics can shift tragically.
2. “The initial reaction isn’t the eternal reaction.”
A recurring mantra between friends, this Jungian-inspired advice represents the chapter’s theme of emotional turbulence and the hope that current marital strife might not reflect the ultimate outcome. It underscores the human tendency to catastrophize in moments of crisis.
3. “If there was anything meaningful about aging, it was tunneling backward in time together, holding memories as a couple so they made a kind of safe basket in a rough and arbitrary world—not just for Sam but for us.”
This poignant reflection articulates the protagonist’s dawning awareness of what divorce would destroy - the shared history that forms a protective “basket” against life’s chaos. It elevates the personal crisis to a philosophical meditation on long-term partnership.
4. “I touched myself against my will, sickened. It was like having just one drink and ending up pantsless under a bridge.”
This visceral metaphor captures the protagonist’s loss of control over her own desires and actions during this marital crisis. The raw physicality contrasts with the cerebral quality of other quotes, showing how the body rebels during emotional upheaval.
5. “a certain amount of boring things just have to happen or there will be chaos.” / “I like chaos,” they said sleepily.”
This parent-child exchange serves as a microcosm of the chapter’s tension between stability and upheaval. While the mother clings to routine as life crumbles, the child’s innocent preference for chaos ironically mirrors the adults’ actual situation.