All Fours
Chapter 20
by July;, MirandaThe chapter opens with the narrator reflecting on a two-week stalemate in her marriage after a devastating argument. Unlike past fights, this rift feels irreparable, as she likely meant the hurtful things she said. Her husband, Harris, avoids eye contact, and their tense environment worries her for their child’s well-being. She feels trapped between the suffocating familiarity of her marriage and the daunting prospect of starting over as a divorced mother. The narrator’s internal conflict is palpable as she grapples with the urgency to resolve the situation before it further impacts their family.
Seeking guidance, the narrator turns to her friend Jordi, who likens relationship struggles to the collaborative nature of open-source software. Intrigued, the narrator researches the concept and wonders if applying its principles—like community support and flexibility—could help her marital crisis. Inspired, she organizes a gathering of married friends at a hotel, hoping to pool their experiences and insights. The setup hints at her desperation for external perspectives to navigate her personal impasse, blending humor with her earnest quest for solutions.
The narrator’s conversations with her friends reveal contrasting viewpoints. Cassie, a pragmatic fifty-three-year-old, advises her to “ride it out,” warning against impulsive decisions that could lead to regret. She quotes Simone de Beauvoir to justify enduring unfulfilled desires for long-term stability. The narrator, however, struggles with the idea of suppressing her needs, typing Cassie’s advice into her notes with skepticism. This interaction underscores the generational and ideological divides in how women approach marital dissatisfaction, leaving the narrator torn between conformity and self-actualization.
Later, the narrator probes Nazanin, who confesses to unfulfilled desires but dismisses them as “not enough to risk anything for.” This candid exchange surprises the narrator, who begins to quantify her own hidden longings in fractions, questioning their significance. The chapter ends with Isra suggesting the narrator embrace her “divine feminine” instincts, hinting at a potential path forward. Through these dialogues, the chapter explores themes of compromise, desire, and the search for authenticity within the constraints of marriage, leaving the narrator’s ultimate decision unresolved but deeply introspective.
FAQs
1. What is the narrator’s current marital situation and why does she describe it as a “stalemate”?
Answer:
The narrator is in a serious marital crisis after saying hurtful things she likely meant during a fight with her husband Harris. Unlike previous conflicts that could be resolved with apologies, this situation feels fundamentally different—both partners are emotionally withdrawn, avoiding eye contact, and unable to move forward. She describes it as a “stalemate” because neither is willing to compromise or initiate reconciliation, creating a tense home environment that worries her for their child Sam’s well-being (page 226).2. How does the concept of “open-source software” metaphorically apply to the narrator’s approach to her marital crisis?
Answer:
Inspired by Jordi’s comments about collaborative problem-solving, the narrator researches open-source software—defined as development through public collaboration—and sees parallels to her situation. She hopes to apply principles like “robust community support” and avoiding being “locked into a single vendor” (Harris) by gathering married friends to share insights. This reflects her desire to crowdsource solutions rather than navigate the crisis alone, though some tech concepts (like license management) don’t translate perfectly (pages 226-227).3. Compare and contrast the advice given by Cassie and Nazanin regarding marital dissatisfaction.
Answer:
Cassie advocates suppression, quoting Simone de Beauvoir: “want everything but accept having nothing.” She warns against midlife impulsiveness, urging the narrator to “ride it out” for long-term stability (page 228). Nazanin, however, acknowledges hidden desires (her “one-sixteenth” attraction to masc individuals) but deems them insufficient to risk her marriage. While both women prioritize preserving their relationships, Cassie frames compromise as inevitable, whereas Nazanin admits to managing unfulfilled desires through fantasy (pages 228-229). Their perspectives highlight tension between resignation and compartmentalization.4. What symbolic significance might the belt the narrator holds at the end of the chapter hold?
Answer:
The belt, held “like a boa constrictor,” symbolizes the narrator’s repressed identity—a tangible manifestation of desires she struggles to define or express. Unlike Nazanin’s quantifiable “one-sixteenth” attraction, her hidden self defies easy categorization (“not a sexual orientation”). The belt’s constrictor-like presentation suggests both danger and suffocation, mirroring her tension between self-expression and fear of consequences. This moment underscores her search for language to articulate needs that challenge her marital norms (page 229).5. Analyze how the narrator’s interactions with her friends reflect broader societal attitudes toward midlife marital crises.
Answer:
The conversations reveal societal contradictions: Jordi’s tech-inspired optimism clashes with Cassie’s traditional resignation, while Nazanin’s compartmentalization reflects pragmatic queer realities. The narrator’s experiment—treating marriage like an open-source project—exposes a cultural gap; relationships lack collaborative frameworks for reinvention. Isra’s mention of the “divine feminine” hints at alternative paradigms, but the chapter ultimately portrays midlife desire as something to suppress (Cassie), manage (Nazanin), or vaguely “trust” (Isra), reflecting unresolved tensions between autonomy and stability (pages 226-229).
Quotes
1. “It had been two weeks since I’d said all those terrible things. This wasn’t like other fights; it wasn’t a matter of pride and one of us eventually apologizing, tears, kiss and make up. I had most likely meant all the terrible things I’d said and we both knew it.”
This opening passage sets the tone for the chapter, revealing the depth of the marital crisis and the protagonist’s internal conflict. It highlights the irreversible damage done and the stalemate that follows, making it clear this isn’t a typical disagreement but a fundamental rupture.
2. “‘You can’t have everything you want but you can want everything you want.’”
Cassie shares this Simone de Beauvoir quote as advice to the protagonist, encapsulating the theme of suppressed desires and compromise in long-term relationships. It represents the tension between personal fulfillment and societal expectations, particularly for women in midlife.
3. “‘Okay. Well… in addition to Kate I’d have someone in another city… A trans guy or someone masc like me.’”
Nazanin’s unexpected confession reveals hidden desires within seemingly stable relationships. This quote demonstrates how even in happy partnerships, people may harbor unexpressed parts of themselves, contributing to the chapter’s exploration of identity and desire.
4. “‘1/16th = not enough. >1/8th = maybe worth the risk’”
The protagonist’s notation after talking to Nazanin quantifies the internal calculus people make about acting on their desires. This mathematical metaphor powerfully captures how we weigh our hidden selves against the risks of expressing them, a central theme of the chapter.
5. “‘The divine feminine?… And yes, she can absolutely run the show. Trust her.’”
Isra’s suggestion introduces the concept of embracing one’s authentic self, contrasting with Cassie’s advice to suppress desires. This quote represents the alternative path of self-actualization that the protagonist is considering, marking a turning point in her thinking.
Quotes
1. “It had been two weeks since I’d said all those terrible things. This wasn’t like other fights; it wasn’t a matter of pride and one of us eventually apologizing, tears, kiss and make up. I had most likely meant all the terrible things I’d said and we both knew it.”
This opening passage sets the tone for the chapter, revealing the depth of the marital crisis and the protagonist’s internal conflict. It highlights the irreversible damage done and the stalemate that follows, making it clear this isn’t a typical disagreement but a fundamental rupture.
2. “‘You can’t have everything you want but you can want everything you want.’”
Cassie shares this Simone de Beauvoir quote as advice to the protagonist, encapsulating the theme of suppressed desires and compromise in long-term relationships. It represents the tension between personal fulfillment and societal expectations, particularly for women in midlife.
3. “‘Okay. Well… in addition to Kate I’d have someone in another city… A trans guy or someone masc like me.’”
Nazanin’s unexpected confession reveals hidden desires within seemingly stable relationships. This quote demonstrates how even in happy partnerships, people may harbor unexpressed parts of themselves, contributing to the chapter’s exploration of identity and desire.
4. “‘1/16th = not enough. >1/8th = maybe worth the risk’”
The protagonist’s notation after talking to Nazanin quantifies the internal calculus people make about acting on their desires. This mathematical metaphor powerfully captures how we weigh our hidden selves against the risks of expressing them, a central theme of the chapter.
5. “‘The divine feminine?… And yes, she can absolutely run the show. Trust her.’”
Isra’s suggestion introduces the concept of embracing one’s authentic self, contrasting with Cassie’s advice to suppress desires. This quote represents the alternative path of self-actualization that the protagonist is considering, marking a turning point in her thinking.
— Unknown
FAQs
1. What is the narrator’s current marital situation and why does she describe it as a “stalemate”?
Answer:
The narrator is in a serious marital crisis after saying hurtful things she likely meant during a fight with her husband Harris. Unlike previous conflicts that could be resolved with apologies, this situation feels fundamentally different—both partners are emotionally withdrawn, avoiding eye contact, and unable to move forward. She describes it as a “stalemate” because neither is willing to compromise or initiate reconciliation, creating a tense home environment that worries her for their child Sam’s well-being (page 226).
2. How does the concept of “open-source software” metaphorically apply to the narrator’s approach to her marital crisis?
Answer:
Inspired by Jordi’s comments about collaborative problem-solving, the narrator researches open-source software—defined as development through public collaboration—and sees parallels to her situation. She hopes to apply principles like “robust community support” and avoiding being “locked into a single vendor” (Harris) by gathering married friends to share insights. This reflects her desire to crowdsource solutions rather than navigate the crisis alone, though some tech concepts (like license management) don’t translate perfectly (pages 226-227).
3. Compare and contrast the advice given by Cassie and Nazanin regarding marital dissatisfaction.
Answer:
Cassie advocates suppression, quoting Simone de Beauvoir: “want everything but accept having nothing.” She warns against midlife impulsiveness, urging the narrator to “ride it out” for long-term stability (page 228). Nazanin, however, acknowledges hidden desires (her “one-sixteenth” attraction to masc individuals) but deems them insufficient to risk her marriage. While both women prioritize preserving their relationships, Cassie frames compromise as inevitable, whereas Nazanin admits to managing unfulfilled desires through fantasy (pages 228-229). Their perspectives highlight tension between resignation and compartmentalization.
4. What symbolic significance might the belt the narrator holds at the end of the chapter hold?
Answer:
The belt, held “like a boa constrictor,” symbolizes the narrator’s repressed identity—a tangible manifestation of desires she struggles to define or express. Unlike Nazanin’s quantifiable “one-sixteenth” attraction, her hidden self defies easy categorization (“not a sexual orientation”). The belt’s constrictor-like presentation suggests both danger and suffocation, mirroring her tension between self-expression and fear of consequences. This moment underscores her search for language to articulate needs that challenge her marital norms (page 229).
5. Analyze how the narrator’s interactions with her friends reflect broader societal attitudes toward midlife marital crises.
Answer:
The conversations reveal societal contradictions: Jordi’s tech-inspired optimism clashes with Cassie’s traditional resignation, while Nazanin’s compartmentalization reflects pragmatic queer realities. The narrator’s experiment—treating marriage like an open-source project—exposes a cultural gap; relationships lack collaborative frameworks for reinvention. Isra’s mention of the “divine feminine” hints at alternative paradigms, but the chapter ultimately portrays midlife desire as something to suppress (Cassie), manage (Nazanin), or vaguely “trust” (Isra), reflecting unresolved tensions between autonomy and stability (pages 226-229).
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