Martyr!
Chapter Twenty-four: Orkideh
by Kaveh AkbarThe chapter opens with Cyrus Shams waking up disoriented in a Brooklyn hotel room, cold and wet from having urinated in his bed—a relapse of an old habit from his drinking days. Despite being sober now, the incident floods him with familiar shame and self-loathing, along with the practical dread of inconveniencing the hotel staff. Cyrus reflects on how these feelings were once routine during his alcoholism, intertwined with rituals of hiding his messes. The episode triggers a wave of existential despair, making him wish to escape the burden of living without actively seeking death.
Cyrus reminisces about his friendship with Zee, recalling their reckless, intoxicated nights filled with laughter, music, and fleeting moments of profound emotional connection. Their bond was so strong that even embarrassing incidents like bed-wetting would have been laughed off. He thinks of a permanent marker message he once left on Zee’s mirror during a blackout: “We can wear these crowns forever.” These memories contrast sharply with his current loneliness, as Zee is absent and their friendship seems fractured. Cyrus feels adrift, questioning the point of his sobriety and creative efforts when they haven’t alleviated his suffering.
The narrative delves into Cyrus’s struggle with self-pity, a sentiment he knows is toxic for his recovery, as emphasized in the AA Big Book. He grapples with resentment toward his stalled writing project, his strained relationship with his sponsor, and the seeming meaninglessness of his life. His despair feels isolating, as most people dismiss his sadness, while Zee was the only one who ever sat with him in quiet solidarity. Cyrus’s attempt to rationalize his feelings only deepens his despondency, leaving him feeling hollow and disconnected from any sense of purpose.
In the aftermath, Cyrus mechanically addresses the consequences of his accident, leaving money and an apologetic note for the maid. The chapter closes with a surreal interaction at checkout, where the hotel clerk’s unconventional question—“Did you make anything cool while you were here?”—jars Cyrus, highlighting his creative stagnation. The encounter underscores his unresolved tension between outward compliance with recovery and his inner turmoil, leaving him questioning whether sobriety has truly brought him closer to healing or merely exposed deeper voids.
FAQs
1. How does Cyrus’s bed-wetting incident reveal his emotional state and history with addiction?
Answer:
The bed-wetting incident serves as a powerful trigger for Cyrus, immediately transporting him back to the darkest days of his alcoholism when such accidents were frequent. The chapter describes how this event floods him with familiar feelings of shame, self-loathing, and the desperate urge to avoid consequences—emotions he associated with active addiction. Despite being sober now, the incident makes him question the efficacy of his recovery, as he feels he’s “doing everything right” yet still ends up mired in familiar shame. This moment also highlights his emotional fragility following Zee’s absence, as he lacks his usual support system to help process these feelings.2. Analyze the significance of Cyrus and Zee’s friendship as portrayed through their shared history of substance use.
Answer:
The chapter presents Cyrus and Zee’s bond as deeply intertwined with their substance use, where intoxication served as both a bonding mechanism and emotional outlet. Their “warm dawn of friendship” was marked by reckless abandon—blackouts, drug use, and delirious emotional highs where they’d weep at beauty. These shared experiences created intimacy, as evidenced by Cyrus’s drunken mirror drawing (“We can wear these crowns forever”) that became a lasting symbol of their connection. However, the narrative also suggests this friendship dynamic changed with sobriety, leaving Cyrus struggling to navigate emotional distress without their former coping mechanisms or Zee’s supportive presence.3. How does the chapter portray the concept of “dubious luxuries” in relation to Cyrus’s recovery journey?
Answer:
The chapter references an AA concept that normal people can afford “dubious luxuries” like self-pity and resentment, but for alcoholics, these emotions are poison. Cyrus finds himself indulging in these very emotions—wallowing in self-pity after the bed-wetting incident and resentment toward his fractured relationships. This internal conflict highlights his shaky commitment to recovery principles. The passage reveals his intellectual understanding of recovery concepts (“he remembered it called them ‘the grouch and the brainstorm’”), yet his emotional state makes him question their efficacy, demonstrating the ongoing tension between recovery dogma and lived experience.4. What does Cyrus’s interaction with the hotel staff reveal about his character and current psychological state?
Answer:
Cyrus’s meticulous handling of the bed-wetting aftermath—leaving $40 for the maid with an apologetic note, deliberating over the amount—reveals both his enduring conscientiousness and profound isolation. While he performs considerate actions, he does so without human connection, wincing at his own awkward gesture. The front desk interaction with Hua underscores his emotional vulnerability; when asked “Did you make anything cool while you were here?” instead of a standard hotel query, Cyrus is caught off guard—perhaps because his creative stagnation and emotional turmoil make the question painfully ironic. These interactions emphasize how even routine exchanges feel destabilizing in his fragile state.5. How does the author use physical sensations and imagery to convey Cyrus’s emotional experience in this chapter?
Answer:
The chapter masterfully employs physical sensations to mirror emotional states. Cyrus wakes to “cold, heavy, wet”—sensations that immediately translate to emotional weight. The “lakewater flooding into a sinking car” metaphor viscerally conveys his overwhelming shame. Later, shower imagery shifts from his usual dream fragments (a girl with a black coin, a pink lamb) to barren emptiness—”all he saw was the backs of his eyes”—symbolizing creative and emotional drought. The “scalding” coffee he drinks without care reflects his numbness to physical discomfort amid psychological pain. These sensory details create a visceral portrait of depression where bodily and emotional experiences blur.
Quotes
1. “Cyrus woke up the next morning cold, heavy. Wet too, he soon realized, though it took a moment, with cold and heavy being so much of wet.”
This opening line powerfully captures Cyrus’s physical and emotional state after a night of distress, using visceral language to convey the weight of his shame and self-loathing.
2. “He wanted, acutely in that moment, to be not-alive. Not to be dead, not to kill himself, but to have the burden of living lifted from his shoulders.”
This poignant reflection reveals Cyrus’s deep existential despair, distinguishing between active suicidal ideation and the passive wish to escape life’s burdens - a crucial insight into his mental state.
3. “Nights of weeping in the moonlight because it was so beautiful to love and feel the world as deeply as they did, so unexpected and rare.”
This nostalgic memory contrasts sharply with Cyrus’s current isolation, highlighting both the intensity of his past friendship with Zee and the depth of what he’s lost.
4. “A meaningless life meant a meaningless death. He wasn’t even sure if he believed that, but his current state had increased his tolerance for despondent generalizing.”
This philosophical musing captures Cyrus’s crisis of purpose, showing how his depression distorts his perception of life’s value while acknowledging the unreliability of such thoughts.
5. “When Cyrus closed his eyes, all he saw was the backs of his eyes. He felt desiccated… ‘inside my heart is a little man with a broken heart.’”
This metaphorical self-description beautifully conveys Cyrus’s emotional emptiness and the recursive nature of his pain, using striking imagery to depict his inner state.