Gods & Monsters
Doubt Creeps in
by Mahurin, ShelbyThe chapter “Doubt Creeps in” follows Nicholina, a disembodied spirit grappling with existential fear and abandonment. Without a physical form, she drifts as a gust of wind or snowflake, searching for her body while her mistress ignores her. The landscape—barren and unfamiliar—offers no solace, amplifying her anxiety. Memories of a castle and bridge taunt her, but they’re absent, leaving her to confront the possibility of fading into nothingness or transforming into a lesser creature. Nicholina clings to the hope that her mistress hasn’t forgotten her, yet the absence of her body and the mocking whispers of failure sow seeds of doubt.
Desperate, Nicholina inhabits a mink’s body to anchor herself, observing her mistress’s conversations about Morgane and her daughter. The castle eventually materializes, damaged by fire and under reconstruction by white ladies. Nicholina senses her body’s presence, but the discovery is bittersweet. Her corpse-like form lies neglected on the cold stone floor, not the bed, symbolizing her mistress’s indifference. The recurring taunt—“You’ve failed, Nicholina”—echoes in her mind, challenging her loyalty. Despite her devotion, the physical neglect and verbal barbs force her to question her place in her mistress’s plans.
As Nicholina reintegrates into her scarred, weary body, she reflects on fragmented memories of warmth and love, now distant and alien. The contrast between her past sense of family and her current isolation is stark. She recalls fleeting emotions borrowed from another’s experiences, clinging to them as proof that love once existed. Yet, her mistress’s cold treatment—leaving her on the floor, devoid of comfort—reinforces her growing suspicion that she is expendable. The chapter’s tone shifts from frantic searching to resigned melancholy, underscoring Nicholina’s emotional unraveling.
The chapter culminates in Nicholina’s quiet despair as she lies motionless, her unopened eyes symbolizing her surrender to doubt. The final lines—“Sometimes we think our mistress does not want us at all”—capture her tragic realization. Betrayal lingers as a looming threat, and the warmth she once knew feels irretrievable. Nicholina’s internal conflict between loyalty and self-preservation mirrors the broader themes of abandonment and identity, leaving readers to ponder whether her devotion is misplaced or if redemption remains possible.
FAQs
1. What is the significance of Nicholina’s disembodied state at the beginning of the chapter, and how does it reflect her relationship with her mistress?
Answer:
Nicholina’s disembodied state represents her existential fragility and dependence on her mistress. Without a physical form, she describes fading sensations (“no touch, no smell, no taste”) and fears becoming “something helpless and small” like a matagot (a spirit forced into animal form). This vulnerability mirrors her precarious relationship with her mistress, who seems to neglect her—evidenced by Nicholina’s anxious repetition of “our mistress has not forgotten us” as she desperately searches for her body. The chapter reveals a one-sided devotion, as Nicholina clings to loyalty while questioning whether her mistress even wants her (“Sometimes we think our mistress does not want us at all”).2. Analyze the symbolic contrast between the “empty bed” and Nicholina’s body on the “hard stone floor.” What does this reveal about her role?
Answer:
The empty bed symbolizes rejection and marginalization, while the stone floor underscores Nicholina’s suffering and expendability. Her repeated distress over the “bare” bed contrasts with her resigned acceptance of her body’s placement in a cold, shadowed corner—a physical manifestation of her emotional abandonment. This imagery reinforces her subservient role: though she insists pain is “fleeting,” the scene reveals her mistress’s cruelty (no fire or candlelight is provided) and Nicholina’s internalized oppression. The bed, typically a place of rest, becomes a metaphor for unmet needs, while the floor reflects her diminished worth.3. How does the chapter use sensory deprivation to explore themes of identity and belonging?
Answer:
Nicholina’s lack of bodily senses (“no blood, no magic, no death”) parallels her emotional and social isolation. As a spirit, she exists transiently—like “wind” or “snow”—but craves the stability of a body and her mistress’s recognition. The absence of warmth (“We do not remember what warm feels like”) mirrors her lost sense of belonging, contrasting with fleeting memories of love borrowed from another character (“Within her we’d felt it”). This deprivation underscores her fractured identity: she is neither fully autonomous nor truly valued by her mistress, leaving her adrift between existence and erasure.4. Evaluate Nicholina’s conflicting thoughts about betrayal. How does her denial (“Our mistress would never betray us”) juxtapose with her doubts?
Answer:
Nicholina’s defiance against the taunt “They will betray you” reveals cognitive dissonance. While she vehemently rejects the idea of betrayal, her actions betray deeper uncertainty—she hides in a mink’s body, avoids other witches, and later questions her mistress’s care. The repeated mantra “Pain is fleeting” reads as forced reassurance, hinting at suppressed awareness of her expendability. This tension reflects her psychological struggle: she clings to loyalty as a defining trait but cannot ignore the evidence of neglect (e.g., her body left on the floor), foreshadowing a potential crisis of faith.5. How does the chapter frame memory as both a source of pain and a means of survival for Nicholina?
Answer:
Memory serves dual roles: it torments Nicholina with reminders of lost warmth (“We do not remember love”) yet provides fleeting solace. She fixates on borrowed memories of familial love from another character, using them to cope with her cold reality. However, these memories are bittersweet—they highlight what she lacks. The “lavender and wraiths” she recalls are fragmented, suggesting trauma. Ultimately, memory becomes a fragile tether to humanity, but one that underscores her isolation, as her present existence offers no such comfort. This duality emphasizes her unstable existence between past hope and present despair.
Quotes
1. “The pain fades without a body, as does all sense of touch, of smell, of taste. There is no blood as we spiral from sea to sky. There is no magic. No death. Here we are … free.”
This opening passage establishes the ethereal, disembodied existence of Nicholina, capturing the haunting freedom and emptiness of her spectral state. It introduces the central tension of her search for physical form and belonging.
2. “Your mistress needs her more than she needs you.”
A recurring taunt that underscores Nicholina’s growing insecurity about her place in her mistress’s world. This line represents the creeping doubt about her worth and loyalty, a key theme in the chapter.
3. “We are not forgotten. […] Sometimes we think our mistress does not want us at all.”
These contrasting thoughts bookend Nicholina’s emotional journey in the chapter, moving from desperate self-assurance to painful realization. They capture the core conflict of her relationship with her mistress and her own identity crisis.
4. “We hold on to that warmth we’d felt when she looked upon her huntsman, her family. […] We do not remember what warm feels like now. We do not remember love.”
This poignant reflection reveals Nicholina’s longing for human connection and emotion, contrasting her current existence with fleeting memories of warmth. It highlights the tragic aspect of her supernatural existence.
5. “Our body looks as a corpse in the shadows of the corner. Sickly and pale. Scarred.”
This visceral description of Nicholina’s physical form symbolizes her deteriorating sense of self and worth. The imagery reflects both her physical and emotional state, abandoned in the cold corner rather than the bed.