Chapter 117 of All the Colors of the Dark sees Saint settling into a routine in the city, where she immerses herself in activities like attending a performance of Hamlet and enjoying solo dinners of barbecue chicken. While she embraces these solitary moments, she regularly returns home to visit Jimmy, who has grown withdrawn since failing his exam. Their conversations are filled with tension, particularly when Jimmy reacts violently to her decision to spend more time in Kansas, revealing the emotional distance that has developed between them. Saint reflects on Jimmy’s anger, recognizing it as stemming from insecurity, while also focusing on her personal growth and the changes she’s striving for in her own life.

Saint begins to take steps toward self-improvement, starting with running at dawn. She gradually increases her stamina, using exercise as a way to regain control and build strength. A visit to a local salon results in a new hairstyle, symbolizing her desire to embrace change and adapt to the evolving fashion trends she observes around her. These small but significant changes reflect Saint’s inner transformation as she steps further into independence and the pursuit of a new chapter in her life, separate from the emotional baggage of her past.

On Sundays, Saint finds solace in the routine of visiting the farmer’s market, where she channels her grandmother’s nurturing spirit as she carefully selects fresh produce to cook for the week. This act of cooking and preparing meals for herself brings a sense of peace and satisfaction to her otherwise solitary existence. She appreciates her apartment more in Jimmy’s absence, using the space as a retreat where she can fully embrace her independence. However, the emotional distance in her phone interactions with Jimmy remains palpable, as he often remains reticent about her day, deepening her sense of loneliness. His continued withdrawal from their relationship only intensifies the solitude she feels, reinforcing her growing realization that she may be outgrowing their connection.

As evenings fall, Saint finds herself on her new sofa, listening to old interview tapes of Patch. His wistful words, speaking of missing someone, resonate deeply with Saint, echoing her own feelings of longing and unspoken desire. These moments of reflection provide clarity about her mission, as she contemplates the trade she made with Himes: her search for Grace in exchange for FBI resources to locate Joseph Macauley. This deal sets the stage for the deeper involvement Saint will have in the complex world of law enforcement and crime-fighting, a world that is both familiar and daunting to her.

Saint’s involvement with Himes’s team introduces her to the seriousness of their work, marked by his somber reminder of the stakes involved in their pursuit. The intensity of their training and the responsibility placed on her shoulders begin to weigh on her, forcing Saint to confront the moral and ethical dimensions of her mission. During lunch with Himes, she presses him about his motivations, learning that his desire to save Joseph stems from a deeply personal connection—his hope for his daughter’s future. This revelation adds urgency to Saint’s own mission, as she understands that time is running out for Joseph, and that the consequences of their actions are far-reaching.

Himes’s reflections on luck and consequences further highlight the gravity of their work. His words echo in Saint’s mind, urging her to fully comprehend the moral implications of the choices she is making. As the mission unfolds, Saint feels the weight of the decisions ahead, understanding that her involvement will not only impact her future but the lives of those around her. This realization propels her further into the complexities of the task at hand, as she prepares to navigate a path fraught with danger, moral dilemmas, and the looming uncertainty of what will happen next. The emotional and psychological stakes continue to rise as Saint wrestles with the truth of her involvement in the search for both Grace and Joseph, making the mission not just a professional one but deeply personal as well.

This chapter emphasizes Saint’s transformation as she moves from self-reflection to action, preparing for the challenges she will face in the coming days. The evolving dynamics between her and Jimmy add a layer of complexity to her character, highlighting the tension between personal relationships and professional responsibilities. Her increasing involvement in the FBI’s cases, combined with the personal stakes tied to her mission, makes this chapter a pivotal moment in her journey, as she grapples with the intertwining of her personal growth and her commitment to solving the mysteries before her. The chapter leaves readers with a heightened sense of anticipation, eager to see how Saint’s choices will unfold as she confronts the moral, emotional, and professional challenges that lie ahead.