Chapter 5 opens with Phoebe, consumed by a deep sense of isolation, as the last remnants of a wedding celebration echo in the empty room. The space, which was once filled with voices and the hum of happy conversations, now amplifies only the harsh sound of her own thoughts. Her family, with all its complexities and emotional baggage, looms in her mind, offering no comfort but only a reminder of the tangled web of relationships that she struggles to understand. In this silence, Phoebe is confronted with the overwhelming sense of disconnection she feels from herself and her own body. She is caught in a tumultuous internal battle, struggling with self-doubt and self-loathing, and for a fleeting moment, the thought of ending it all seems like a way to escape the relentless noise in her head. The very essence of her identity, wrapped in confusion and sorrow, seems fragile, and the weight of these emotions grows heavier as she contemplates the enormity of her existence, which she no longer feels connected to.

In her quest to numb the pain, Phoebe reaches for another drink, the familiar comfort of alcohol offering her some reprieve, though momentarily. She follows this with a bottle of tuna-flavored painkillers, a desperate attempt to follow through with the resolution she’s made to end her life. But even as she swallows the pills, her mind is flooded with memories of a conversation with her therapist, who had once told her she wasn’t “the type” to follow through with such drastic measures. The words, meant to offer her a sense of reassurance, only intensify her feelings of inadequacy. Phoebe cannot help but compare herself to Mia, someone who seems to approach life with an audacity that Phoebe finds foreign to her own nature. Mia’s daring and fearless attitude toward life contrast sharply with Phoebe’s own self-doubt, and it stirs up feelings of jealousy and frustration. Phoebe is left questioning her place in a world that seems so full of life, while she feels paralyzed by her own indecision and fear.

As Phoebe contemplates her next steps, she finds herself distracted by the lingering scent of the bride’s perfume and the trace of her lipstick left behind in the room. These remnants of the bride’s presence spark a train of thought about her own unfulfilled ambitions and the goals she has abandoned over the years. She thinks of the unfinished novels that are scattered in her mind, fragments of dreams that have never been brought to life. This realization prompts her to shift her focus. Rather than succumbing to the temptation of ending it all, Phoebe resolves to make a final act of defiance. The decision to end her life suddenly seems less like a statement of closure and more like a footnote in the story of her life, an incomplete narrative that she no longer wants to be a part of. Even as she feels a fleeting sense of accomplishment from swallowing the pills, a moment of victory quickly turns to doubt. She begins to question whether the pills will actually work or if they will leave her hanging in a state of uncertainty, just as she has felt throughout her life.

Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupts her contemplation. It’s Pauline, a young woman who offers her assistance, though Phoebe initially feels no inclination to accept. Despite the inner voice telling her to push people away, Phoebe can’t help but feel a sense of familiarity in Pauline’s presence. They share a connection, having both come from the same Midwestern background, and in that moment, Phoebe finds a small degree of comfort in the recognition. Pauline’s presence, so full of life and hope, serves as a reminder of what Phoebe has lost touch with. She listens as Pauline shares her own struggles with her new job, a conversation that Phoebe ultimately dismisses as naive, yet there is something in Pauline’s youthful optimism that stirs Phoebe’s own longing for simplicity, for a time when life seemed less complicated.

Exhausted and emotionally drained, Phoebe sinks into her thoughts again, her mind racing with conflicting emotions. As she listens to the speech being given below her window by the bride’s mother, memories of Lila’s childhood are recounted. The speech meanders through stories of the bride’s early years, evoking a sense of nostalgia and a longing for the uncomplicated nature of youth. These anecdotes provoke Phoebe to reflect on her own childhood, particularly her unresolved issues with her parents. The fractured relationship with her family and the lack of parental love weigh heavily on her heart, and she is left wondering if she will ever truly understand what it means to be loved in the way others seem to experience. The speech below, while triggering these difficult memories, also serves as a catalyst for Phoebe to confront the emotional void she has carried for so long.

As Phoebe surrenders to the overwhelming despair, something inside her shifts. She begins to recall the importance of completion, the need to face the challenges of life rather than retreat into death. Her thoughts evolve into a desire to continue the story she has been unwilling to finish, to find out if there’s more to her narrative than the dark chapter she feels trapped in. She realizes, despite the sadness and confusion, that she does not want to die, that she has more to explore, more to experience. This epiphany leads her to the bathroom, where she instinctively tries to purge the pills from her system, desperate to undo what she has done. The act is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, yet it marks a turning point for Phoebe. As she listens to the joyous sounds of the celebration below, she feels an unexpected sense of connection to the world she once longed to leave behind. Despite the overwhelming void she feels inside, Phoebe chooses life, clinging to the hope that the next chapter might bring more than she can imagine.