Chapter 182 of All the Colors of the Dark begins with a quiet yet intense conversation between Himes and Saint, taking place at a café near the federal building. This location, often a refuge for the two, serves as the backdrop for an exchange filled with personal reflections and heavy emotions. Himes opens the discussion by suggesting that perhaps a woman could have misjudged a situation, but Saint sharply counters, speaking with certainty about her belief, stating, “I saw it in her eyes,” showcasing her unwavering conviction. This dialogue reflects their differing perspectives, where Himes maintains a pragmatic approach, while Saint grapples with the weight of her convictions, a recurring theme throughout their relationship.

Saint spends the week delving into Eli Aaron’s painful past, uncovering details that only deepen her understanding of his troubled history. She learns that Aaron entered a foster home at the young age of six, setting the stage for a difficult and emotionally charged upbringing. Further investigation reveals the tragic story of Aaron’s mother, caught in the grip of addiction and ultimately succumbing to an overdose. These grim revelations evoke a sense of resignation in Saint, who, despite the familiarity of such pain, remains unmoved by Aaron’s troubled childhood. The history, though tragic, offers no new insights into the woman who had haunted Saint’s thoughts for years—a woman she had once followed home after confession, now only known through the vague recollections shared by Sister Cecile.

As their conversation continues, Saint reflects on her feelings of guilt and remorse, sharing the personal toll the investigation has taken on her. She admits to Himes that her struggle with the past is far from over, revealing the inner turmoil she feels regarding the death of someone she once thought she had killed. “I really thought I killed him, Himes. He’s already dead,” she confesses, acknowledging the deep weight of her past actions and their ongoing impact on her present state of mind. This raw admission highlights the complexity of guilt and the difficulty in letting go of past mistakes, which continues to haunt her as she navigates her relationship with Eli Aaron and the ghosts of her own actions.

The conversation takes an unsettling turn when Himes brings up the recent purchase of rosary beads by Eli Aaron, a detail that suggests the ongoing struggles and patterns in his life. Saint responds affirmatively, acknowledging the implications of this action, but Himes cuts through her acknowledgment with a chilling reminder: “It means you have to kill him again.” This stark statement forces Saint to confront the cyclical nature of her relationship with Eli, where past actions seem to perpetuate themselves in a never-ending loop of guilt and consequence. The tension in this exchange underscores the complexity of human relationships, where the lines between right and wrong, guilt and redemption, become increasingly blurred.

As the chapter unfolds, themes of guilt, emotional turmoil, and the inescapable past come to the forefront. Saint is left to grapple with not only her personal history but also with the darker, more disturbing aspects of Eli Aaron’s choices. Himes’s blunt pragmatism serves as a stark contrast to her emotional fragility, emphasizing the difficulty of facing one’s past while navigating the weight of unresolved guilt. The dialogue between them highlights the ways in which the past refuses to stay buried, forcing both characters to confront painful truths and grapple with the consequences of their actions. As the chapter concludes, readers are left with a deep sense of unease, knowing that Saint’s journey toward redemption and resolution will require facing difficult truths about herself and the people who have shaped her life.