Chapter 200 of All the Colors of the Dark unfolds in a quiet and dimly lit ICU, where Charlotte is deeply consumed by a sense of guilt over her role in her grandmother Norma’s heart attack. Despite Saint’s attempts to console her and explain that there were many factors contributing to Norma’s condition, Charlotte remains fixated on the belief that her actions may have been a triggering factor. She sits alone on a bench in the ICU, her mind torn between the constant barrage of grim news reports on crime and disaster, and her personal grief, which feels like an insurmountable weight. The constant flow of negative stories on the television only deepens her sense of isolation, making it harder for her to focus on the very real pain she feels about her grandmother. Beside her, Mrs. Meyer tends to Sammy, adjusting his coat to make sure it doesn’t stain her own immaculate dress, her attention to detail providing a sharp contrast to the emotional turmoil in the room. Saint, who has long been familiar with the ICU environment, understands the harsh realities of life and death that intersect in spaces like this, where decisions are made, lives are saved, and others are lost. As the hours stretch on into the early morning, a nurse appears, her body language signaling that the time for reflection and farewells has come. Saint feels this weight in the air, understanding the moment without a word being spoken, and she prepares herself for what lies ahead.

Seated next to Norma, Saint becomes alone in the room with nothing but the beeping machines and the faint rhythm of her grandmother’s weakening heart. The medical equipment surrounding her seems almost intrusive, highlighting the fragility of life at this critical juncture. As she watches the machines work tirelessly, Saint’s mind drifts back to moments in her past when she had desperately wished for someone else’s life to be spared—moments that now seem even more poignant in the face of her current reality. Holding her grandmother’s hand, memories flood Saint’s mind: her grandmother’s steady, comforting grasp during childhood walks, the small milestones they had shared together. Each memory is now tinged with sadness, as Saint realizes that these moments, once simple and familiar, are now slipping through her fingers. It’s a sharp contrast from the present, where everything feels uncertain and fleeting. As she reflects on their past together, Saint finds herself overwhelmed by the weight of the situation. The connection between them, once marked by shared moments of joy and love, now feels fragile and, in some ways, distant, as the inevitable separation looms.

In her solitude, Saint speaks quietly to her grandmother, whispering promises of a life lived with kindness and compassion, hoping to live up to the ideals she had always tried to follow. She begins to question whether she has truly fulfilled the expectations placed upon her, wondering if she has truly earned the title “Saint.” The guilt and doubt creep in, as Saint finds herself grappling with the dissonance between her ideals and her lived experiences. Her mind drifts to the contrast between the painful memories that she can’t escape and the good ones that seem to fade with time. In that moment, she wishes she could return to simpler times, such as sharing a casual ice cream outing at Lacey’s, a simple joy now overshadowed by the profound sadness she feels. These are the small, beautiful memories that once defined their relationship, and now they seem lost, replaced by the painful realities of the present. As she leans in to kiss her grandmother’s cheek, Saint silently apologizes for any past mistakes or perceived shortcomings, feeling the weight of unspoken regrets. Tears begin to fall freely, a tribute to the love they shared and a lament for what is slipping away. The finality of the situation becomes overwhelming as the weight of both the loss and the missed opportunities floods her mind. This farewell, filled with both love and longing, encapsulates the pain of losing someone who has been such a constant presence in her life. Every part of this moment feels heavy, as if the grief is a physical force, pressing in from all sides. It is a bittersweet goodbye, one that underscores the fleeting nature of time and the preciousness of the moments that pass by too quickly. The emotional weight is not only felt in the quiet room but also in the depths of Saint’s heart, as she grapples with the reality that she may never again have the chance to share those small, quiet moments with Norma. The chapter closes with Saint sitting there, alone with her grief, as the echoes of love and loss intertwine, leaving her with a sense of deep, unfulfilled longing.