Chap­ter 31 – Men’s Man­ners begins with a reflec­tion on how soci­etal expec­ta­tions for male con­duct have trans­formed over time. The author opens with a sense of detach­ment from the cur­rent trends among younger men, yet he acknowl­edges that, in some respects, man­ners have actu­al­ly improved. What was once asso­ci­at­ed with stiff for­mal­i­ty has become more approach­able, yet the author notes that younger men today still man­age to con­vey respect and atten­tive­ness in their own way. This evo­lu­tion does not nec­es­sar­i­ly reflect a decline in stan­dards but rather a shift in expression—politeness is shown through tone, ease, and a nat­ur­al respect for oth­ers, espe­cial­ly women and elders.

The writer recounts three phas­es of male behav­ior from his expe­ri­ence. The first involved men of the “old school,” paragons of dig­ni­ty and cour­tesy who mod­eled their actions on fig­ures like Sir Charles Gran­di­son. They opened doors, lis­tened atten­tive­ly, and used lan­guage with care, believ­ing that civil­i­ty was a moral virtue. These men car­ried their man­ners as a part of their iden­ti­ty, see­ing good behav­ior not as a social per­for­mance but as a duty passed down from gen­er­a­tion to gen­er­a­tion.

The sec­ond phase came with men born around 1875, whom the author describes with less admi­ra­tion. Edu­cat­ed often in Eng­lish uni­ver­si­ties, they cul­ti­vat­ed a man­ner that was cool and emo­tion­al­ly detached, think­ing it fash­ion­able to appear bored or indif­fer­ent. In social cir­cles, they would with­hold con­ver­sa­tion, lean­ing on wit­less aloof­ness to seem supe­ri­or, and as a result, often made them­selves dull com­pa­ny. Their self-assured reserve, the author argues, lacked both charm and sub­stance, and con­tributed to a cold­er social envi­ron­ment.

Yet with the rise of a new gen­er­a­tion, the author observes a refresh­ing change. Young men today appear more balanced—well-mannered but not over­ly for­mal, con­fi­dent but not arro­gant. This improve­ment is large­ly cred­it­ed to the influ­ence of their moth­ers, many of whom were cul­tured, intel­lec­tu­al­ly curi­ous, and emo­tion­al­ly intel­li­gent. Unlike in ear­li­er gen­er­a­tions, these women played a cru­cial role in shap­ing the char­ac­ter and val­ues of their sons, empha­siz­ing kind­ness, con­ver­sa­tion, and the val­ue of humil­i­ty.

The chap­ter makes a broad­er point about how moth­ers have long been the hid­den archi­tects of civil­i­ty. The author sug­gests that behind every well-man­nered man stands a moth­er who taught him to think of oth­ers, to lis­ten well, and to speak with pur­pose. These qual­i­ties are not eas­i­ly taught by fathers alone, who often focus more on prac­ti­cal skills and ambi­tions than on inter­per­son­al grace. The result is a gen­er­a­tion of young men who are more emo­tion­al­ly attuned and social­ly adapt­able.

Anoth­er key point in the essay is the rejec­tion of blind admi­ra­tion for for­eign behav­ior, espe­cial­ly the out­dat­ed ten­den­cy to idol­ize Eng­lish upper-class sto­icism. The author con­tends that it is no longer desirable—or necessary—to mod­el one­self after British gen­tle­men. Amer­i­can young men now have a clear­er sense of cul­tur­al iden­ti­ty and do not look abroad for val­i­da­tion. They’ve inher­it­ed the best of both tra­di­tions: the com­po­sure of the old world and the warmth of Amer­i­can sin­cer­i­ty.

There’s also an under­ly­ing com­men­tary on social aspi­ra­tion. Where once cer­tain types of behav­ior were seen as tick­ets into high soci­ety, mod­ern man­ners focus more on per­son­al authen­tic­i­ty. A young man earns admi­ra­tion today not by mim­ic­k­ing aris­to­crat­ic dis­tance, but by engag­ing oth­ers with inter­est and respect. The trend of treat­ing peo­ple well regard­less of their sta­tus, gen­der, or back­ground reflects a shift toward more demo­c­ra­t­ic val­ues in per­son­al inter­ac­tions.

In the final stretch of the chap­ter, the author express­es hope that this upward trend will con­tin­ue. As fam­i­lies place greater impor­tance on emo­tion­al intel­li­gence and char­ac­ter over super­fi­cial social climb­ing, the next gen­er­a­tion may car­ry for­ward a blend of old-fash­ioned cour­tesy and mod­ern open­ness. This hope­ful tone leaves read­ers with a sense that soci­ety, though evolv­ing, is not los­ing its moral com­pass but refin­ing it.

By trac­ing these cycles of behavior—from rigid cour­tesy to emp­ty aloof­ness, and final­ly to authen­tic grace—the chap­ter deliv­ers both a cul­tur­al cri­tique and a hope­ful affir­ma­tion. It sug­gests that while man­ners may change form, their core pur­pose remains: to hon­or those around us and to build a soci­ety where mutu­al respect is qui­et­ly but pow­er­ful­ly upheld.