Chap­ter 17 — Eti­quette At Home and Abroad begins by exam­in­ing a cul­tur­al blind spot that many Amer­i­cans and even some Eng­lish peo­ple share: the under­valu­ing of polite­ness in every­day life. Unlike in cer­tain parts of Europe where cer­e­mo­ni­al respect is prac­ticed even toward chil­dren, Amer­i­can fam­i­lies often neglect small cour­te­sies at home. In St. Peters­burg, the Grand Duchess Olga’s upbring­ing reflects how con­sis­tent respect shapes a person’s dig­ni­ty and pres­ence. The nar­ra­tor con­trasts this with the casu­al­ness found in Amer­i­can house­holds, where chil­dren are often scold­ed open­ly and ser­vants treat­ed brusque­ly. While infor­mal­i­ty may seem lib­er­at­ing, it can also become a form of insen­si­tiv­i­ty. The absence of basic courtesies—please, thank you, or allow­ing anoth­er to fin­ish speaking—can sub­tly erode rela­tion­ships.

Polite­ness is not just about words or ges­tures; it’s a struc­ture that soft­ens the fric­tion of dai­ly life. In Euro­pean house­holds, espe­cial­ly among aris­to­crats or the well-edu­cat­ed, eti­quette serves not as dec­o­ra­tion but as a foun­da­tion for mutu­al respect. The author recalls a moment in Paris where a sim­ple nod of acknowl­edg­ment to a door­man con­veyed a world of civil­i­ty. That same ges­ture, ignored in Amer­i­can cities, often breeds silent con­tempt. Eti­quette, then, becomes a qui­et form of social glue, bind­ing inter­ac­tions with grace. Ignor­ing it may not offend overt­ly, but over time it cre­ates dis­tance. A polite soci­ety doesn’t just appear refined—it func­tions bet­ter because respect flows freely in all direc­tions.

The author’s anec­dotes bring to light how cul­tur­al mis­un­der­stand­ings often begin with a lapse in man­ners. A young Amer­i­can girl, act­ing inno­cent­ly, caused offense by speak­ing too casu­al­ly to a French concierge, unaware of local norms. Such blun­ders, while small, leave last­ing impres­sions and cre­ate rep­u­ta­tion­al divides. Trav­el­ers who make no effort to learn the expect­ed con­duct abroad risk being seen as arro­gant. This sense of Amer­i­can enti­tle­ment, even if unin­ten­tion­al, can push oth­ers away. By learn­ing the eti­quette of anoth­er cul­ture, one shows humil­i­ty, curios­i­ty, and readi­ness to be part of a shared social code. These efforts can lead to gen­uine con­nec­tion rather than alien­ation.

Anoth­er theme that emerges is how class inter­ac­tions are strained by an uneven dis­tri­b­u­tion of cour­tesy. Ser­vice work­ers, who often go unseen, are treat­ed with a mechan­i­cal effi­cien­cy in places like the U.S., rather than with indi­vid­ual respect. A wait­er, house­keep­er, or dri­ver is rarely addressed with the same warmth giv­en to a peer. Yet in many Euro­pean cir­cles, it is pre­cise­ly these dai­ly inter­ac­tions where good breed­ing is most evi­dent. A kind word or small token of appre­ci­a­tion does­n’t cost much but can leave a deep impres­sion. Civil­i­ty should not be reserved only for equals; it is in treat­ing those with less pow­er that one’s char­ac­ter is most revealed.

The con­ver­sa­tion then turns inward, toward the house­hold. Chil­dren, espe­cial­ly, are often sub­ject­ed to dis­mis­sive tones and abrupt com­mands, even in homes that val­ue exter­nal polite­ness. This con­tra­dic­tion is trou­bling: how can one hope to raise empa­thet­ic adults if they them­selves are not treat­ed with dig­ni­ty? Just as the Grand Duchess Olga was taught respect from infan­cy, every child deserves to feel heard and val­ued. The author calls for a rever­sal of this cold hier­ar­chy, where elders demand respect but fail to mod­el it. Respect, when prac­ticed con­sis­tent­ly, becomes a habit rather than a per­for­mance.

A crit­i­cal reflec­tion is offered on how this casu­al­ness has affect­ed the Amer­i­can per­cep­tion abroad. There’s a myth that friend­li­ness can replace for­mal­i­ty, but with­out under­stand­ing cul­tur­al cues, that friend­li­ness may come across as intru­sive. Polite­ness, far from being out­dat­ed, is shown to be a uni­ver­sal lan­guage. It builds trust faster than charm and out­lasts sur­face-lev­el lik­a­bil­i­ty. When Amer­i­cans trav­el and car­ry with them an aware­ness of local cus­toms, doors open more eas­i­ly. Being well-man­nered is not about snobbery—it is about adapt­abil­i­ty and care for oth­ers.

The chap­ter draws to a close with a moral argu­ment: if we desire a more har­mo­nious world, it must begin with thought­ful inter­ac­tion. True polite­ness does not require wealth, sta­tus, or even education—it requires only inten­tion. Whether address­ing a stranger on a train or a sib­ling at the din­ner table, respect can ele­vate the ordi­nary into some­thing endur­ing. Through these qui­et ges­tures, we acknowl­edge oth­ers’ dig­ni­ty and our shared human expe­ri­ence. By expand­ing our sense of eti­quette to include those at home, those who serve, and those from oth­er lands, we begin to fos­ter not only bet­ter man­ners, but bet­ter rela­tion­ships and ulti­mate­ly, bet­ter soci­eties.