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    If These Wings Could Fly

    by McCauley, Kyrie
    If These Wings Could Fly by Kyrie McCauley is a lyrical young adult novel that explores the complexities of family violence through the story of seventeen-year-old Leighton. As she starts her senior year, Leighton struggles to protect her two younger sisters while coping with her father’s ongoing abusive behavior. The narrative incorporates elements of magical realism, using the presence of thousands of crows to underscore themes of trauma, resilience, and hope.
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    If These Wings Could Fly

    Chapter Thirty-Six

    by McCauley, Kyrie

    In Chap­ter Thir­ty-Six of *If These Wings Could Fly*, the nar­ra­tor reveals a tense dynam­ic with Camp­bell, who fre­quent­ly demands that she stop talk­ing back, espe­cial­ly when he is angry. The nar­ra­tor acknowl­edges her abil­i­ty to pro­voke him with sharp, point­ed remarks that esca­late his mood from mild irri­ta­tion to full-blown rage. Despite this, she con­scious­ly restrains her­self, sup­press­ing many of the words she wish­es to say. This inter­nal con­flict high­lights a deep strug­gle between self-expres­sion and self-cen­sor­ship, empha­siz­ing the emo­tion­al restraint she prac­tices to avoid fur­ther con­flict.

    The narrator’s vivid metaphor of swal­low­ing words that are “pointy on their cor­ners and sharp on their edges” con­veys the phys­i­cal and emo­tion­al pain caused by this silence. The words, though unspo­ken, remain lodged inside her, cre­at­ing a per­sis­tent ache that sym­bol­izes the bur­den of unex­pressed feel­ings. This imagery pow­er­ful­ly illus­trates the toll that sup­pres­sion takes on her psy­che, as the inter­nal­ized emo­tions become increas­ing­ly dif­fi­cult to bear, likened to a painful, inescapable pres­ence with­in her.

    More­over, the nar­ra­tor draws a poignant com­par­i­son between her­self and a whale that has ingest­ed too much human garbage, turn­ing her body into a “time cap­sule” of dis­card­ed things. This metaphor extends the theme of inter­nal­ized suf­fer­ing, sug­gest­ing that the narrator’s silence and with­held words accu­mu­late like tox­ic waste, poi­son­ing her from with­in. It under­scores the destruc­tive impact of emo­tion­al repres­sion and the sense of being over­whelmed by the detri­tus of unspo­ken pain and resent­ment.

    Over­all, this chap­ter delves into the com­plex dynam­ics of com­mu­ni­ca­tion and pow­er with­in the narrator’s rela­tion­ship with Camp­bell. It explores themes of con­trol, emo­tion­al sup­pres­sion, and the phys­i­cal man­i­fes­ta­tion of psy­cho­log­i­cal dis­tress. The narrator’s intro­spec­tive reflec­tions reveal the deep cost of hold­ing back her voice, paint­ing a vivid pic­ture of the silent strug­gles that often lie beneath the sur­face of fraught inter­per­son­al inter­ac­tions.

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    FAQs

    • 1. How does the narrator describe their interactions with Campbell when he is angry, and what does this reveal about their relationship dynamics?

      Answer:
      The narrator explains that Campbell asks them to stop talking back, especially when he is angry, implying a power dynamic where Campbell’s emotions dictate acceptable behavior. The narrator admits to having a “sharp thorn of a comment” ready that can escalate Campbell’s anger to “losing his shit,” indicating a tense and volatile interaction. This reveals an underlying conflict where communication is fraught with caution and suppressed frustration, highlighting a strained relationship marked by emotional intensity and possibly fear of repercussions.

      2. What metaphor does the narrator use to describe the words they hold back, and what is the significance of this imagery?

      Answer:
      The narrator uses the metaphor of swallowing sharp, pointed words that hurt going down and remain inside, causing physical pain like a stomach ache. They further liken themselves to a whale that has consumed too much garbage, becoming a “time capsule” for discarded human waste. This imagery signifies the internalization of emotional pain and unexpressed thoughts, suggesting that the narrator is burdened by unspoken words and negative feelings. It conveys a sense of toxicity and damage caused by holding in emotions, emphasizing the psychological and physical toll of repression.

      3. How might the narrator’s experience of holding back words affect their mental and emotional well-being over time?

      Answer:
      Holding back words, especially those that are sharp or critical, can lead to internalized stress and emotional pain, as illustrated by the narrator’s description of words as “pointy on their corners” and causing a stomach ache. Over time, this repression may result in increased anxiety, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. The metaphor of being like a whale filled with garbage suggests a buildup of emotional toxins that could lead to mental exhaustion or emotional breakdown. The narrator’s experience indicates that unexpressed emotions can accumulate and negatively impact overall well-being.

      4. In what ways does the narrator’s choice to remain silent during conflicts serve as both a coping mechanism and a source of distress?

      Answer:
      The narrator’s silence functions as a coping mechanism by preventing escalation of conflict with Campbell, particularly when he is angry. By swallowing their words, the narrator avoids provoking Campbell further, which might be a strategy to maintain some semblance of peace or safety. However, this same silence is a source of distress, as the narrator experiences physical pain (“stomach ache”) and emotional burden from unexpressed thoughts. The dichotomy illustrates how silence can protect in the short term but cause internal suffering and damage in the long run.

      5. Reflecting on the narrator’s metaphor of a whale filled with garbage, what broader social or psychological themes might this chapter be addressing?

      Answer:
      The metaphor suggests themes of internal pollution and the harmful effects of repressing negative emotions or experiences. Psychologically, it touches on how trauma, neglect, or toxic relationships can accumulate inside a person, much like a whale ingesting human waste, leading to internal damage. Socially, it may comment on how individuals absorb and carry the emotional “garbage” of their environment or relationships without release. The chapter invites reflection on the importance of expression, emotional processing, and the consequences of silence in unhealthy dynamics.

    Quotes

    • 1. “CAMPBELL ASKS ME TO STOP TALKING BACK. Especially when he’s angry. I can always find that sharp thorn of a comment that takes him from casually pissed off to losing his shit.”

      This quote sets the tone for the chapter by highlighting the tense dynamic between the narrator and Campbell, emphasizing the power of words and how they escalate conflict. It introduces the theme of communication and emotional restraint.

      2. “If only she knew how much I’m holding back. All the words that I don’t say.”

      This passage reveals the internal struggle of the narrator in suppressing feelings and thoughts, underscoring the theme of unspoken pain and emotional containment that permeates the chapter.

      3. “Instead, I swallow the words whole, and the letters are pointy on their corners and sharp on their edges and they hurt going down.”

      This metaphor vividly expresses the physical and emotional discomfort caused by repressed speech, illustrating the burden of silence and the intensity of internalized emotions.

      4. “They stay there inside of me and make my stomach ache. Sometimes I think that if someone cut me open, the words would really be there. Like a whale that consumed too much garbage, and now her body is nothing but a time capsule for all the things humans throw away.”

      This powerful and evocative imagery captures the lasting impact of suppressed emotions and unspoken words, portraying the narrator as a vessel overwhelmed by internalized pain and toxicity. It serves as a poignant conclusion to the passage, emphasizing the deep psychological toll of silence.

    Quotes

    1. “CAMPBELL ASKS ME TO STOP TALKING BACK. Especially when he’s angry. I can always find that sharp thorn of a comment that takes him from casually pissed off to losing his shit.”

    This quote sets the tone for the chapter by highlighting the tense dynamic between the narrator and Campbell, emphasizing the power of words and how they escalate conflict. It introduces the theme of communication and emotional restraint.

    2. “If only she knew how much I’m holding back. All the words that I don’t say.”

    This passage reveals the internal struggle of the narrator in suppressing feelings and thoughts, underscoring the theme of unspoken pain and emotional containment that permeates the chapter.

    3. “Instead, I swallow the words whole, and the letters are pointy on their corners and sharp on their edges and they hurt going down.”

    This metaphor vividly expresses the physical and emotional discomfort caused by repressed speech, illustrating the burden of silence and the intensity of internalized emotions.

    4. “They stay there inside of me and make my stomach ache. Sometimes I think that if someone cut me open, the words would really be there. Like a whale that consumed too much garbage, and now her body is nothing but a time capsule for all the things humans throw away.”

    This powerful and evocative imagery captures the lasting impact of suppressed emotions and unspoken words, portraying the narrator as a vessel overwhelmed by internalized pain and toxicity. It serves as a poignant conclusion to the passage, emphasizing the deep psychological toll of silence.

    FAQs

    1. How does the narrator describe their interactions with Campbell when he is angry, and what does this reveal about their relationship dynamics?

    Answer:
    The narrator explains that Campbell asks them to stop talking back, especially when he is angry, implying a power dynamic where Campbell’s emotions dictate acceptable behavior. The narrator admits to having a “sharp thorn of a comment” ready that can escalate Campbell’s anger to “losing his shit,” indicating a tense and volatile interaction. This reveals an underlying conflict where communication is fraught with caution and suppressed frustration, highlighting a strained relationship marked by emotional intensity and possibly fear of repercussions.

    2. What metaphor does the narrator use to describe the words they hold back, and what is the significance of this imagery?

    Answer:
    The narrator uses the metaphor of swallowing sharp, pointed words that hurt going down and remain inside, causing physical pain like a stomach ache. They further liken themselves to a whale that has consumed too much garbage, becoming a “time capsule” for discarded human waste. This imagery signifies the internalization of emotional pain and unexpressed thoughts, suggesting that the narrator is burdened by unspoken words and negative feelings. It conveys a sense of toxicity and damage caused by holding in emotions, emphasizing the psychological and physical toll of repression.

    3. How might the narrator’s experience of holding back words affect their mental and emotional well-being over time?

    Answer:
    Holding back words, especially those that are sharp or critical, can lead to internalized stress and emotional pain, as illustrated by the narrator’s description of words as “pointy on their corners” and causing a stomach ache. Over time, this repression may result in increased anxiety, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. The metaphor of being like a whale filled with garbage suggests a buildup of emotional toxins that could lead to mental exhaustion or emotional breakdown. The narrator’s experience indicates that unexpressed emotions can accumulate and negatively impact overall well-being.

    4. In what ways does the narrator’s choice to remain silent during conflicts serve as both a coping mechanism and a source of distress?

    Answer:
    The narrator’s silence functions as a coping mechanism by preventing escalation of conflict with Campbell, particularly when he is angry. By swallowing their words, the narrator avoids provoking Campbell further, which might be a strategy to maintain some semblance of peace or safety. However, this same silence is a source of distress, as the narrator experiences physical pain (“stomach ache”) and emotional burden from unexpressed thoughts. The dichotomy illustrates how silence can protect in the short term but cause internal suffering and damage in the long run.

    5. Reflecting on the narrator’s metaphor of a whale filled with garbage, what broader social or psychological themes might this chapter be addressing?

    Answer:
    The metaphor suggests themes of internal pollution and the harmful effects of repressing negative emotions or experiences. Psychologically, it touches on how trauma, neglect, or toxic relationships can accumulate inside a person, much like a whale ingesting human waste, leading to internal damage. Socially, it may comment on how individuals absorb and carry the emotional “garbage” of their environment or relationships without release. The chapter invites reflection on the importance of expression, emotional processing, and the consequences of silence in unhealthy dynamics.

    Note