If These Wings Could Fly
Chapter Sixteen
by McCauley, KyrieIn this chapter, the narrator reveals a deep-seated insomnia triggered by a seemingly innocuous feature of their home: a crawl space in the basement. Although the crawl space is just a small, dark hole behind the staircase, it captivates the narrator’s imagination and becomes a symbol of hidden fears. The space’s dark, damp nature, combined with its obscured location, fuels a growing unease, prompting the narrator to lie awake at night, fixated on what might be concealed within or what it might represent.
The narrator explores the emotional turmoil that accompanies this insomnia, highlighting the underlying reasons for their fixation. Despite the crawl space’s mundane appearance, it embodies a sense of lurking danger and secrecy. The narrator’s restless thoughts seem to be amplified not just by the physical space but by their own distressing circumstances. This combination of external environment and internal anxiety creates a vivid portrayal of how physical spaces can become repositories for fear and uncertainty during times of personal hardship.
Throughout the chapter, the narrator contrasts moments of temporary calm with the anticipation of violence and chaos. Even when external conditions appear stable—when moods improve, finances stabilize, and fleeting moments of affection occur—the narrator remains unable to find peace. Instead, they brace for the inevitable outbursts of anger and destruction that shatter any semblance of security. This tension between hope and dread underscores the narrator’s profound vulnerability and the oppressive nature of their environment.
Ultimately, the chapter conveys a haunting sense of fear not just of the dark or the crawl space itself, but of survival. The narrator’s insomnia stems from a visceral worry about their very existence and safety, fearing that the crawl space could one day become a grim hiding place for their remains. This chilling thought encapsulates the chapter’s exploration of trauma, fear, and the psychological weight of living with unpredictable danger within one’s own home.
FAQs
1. What is the significance of the crawl space in the narrator’s experience of insomnia?
Answer:
The crawl space symbolizes the narrator’s underlying fear and anxiety. Although it is described as a simple, somewhat creepy hole in the basement wall, it represents a hidden, dark place that fuels the narrator’s imagination and dread. The crawl space’s obscurity—being behind the staircase and easily overlooked—mirrors how the narrator’s fears and traumatic experiences are concealed beneath the surface of daily life. This fixation on the crawl space reflects how the narrator’s insomnia is not caused by the dark itself but by the anticipation of danger and harm that might be lurking unseen, especially considering the violent context hinted at in the chapter.2. How does the narrator describe the relationship dynamics that contribute to their sleeplessness?
Answer:
The narrator describes a volatile and frightening home environment where the mood can shift unpredictably. Even when moments of calm or happiness occur—such as the abuser laughing, bringing flowers, or showing a good mood—the narrator cannot sleep because they fear the imminent return of violence. The description of “all of the lights in the house turned on” and “the trash bin hurled across the kitchen” illustrates the intensity of the abuser’s anger and how it escalates. This cycle of unpredictable abuse creates a constant state of hypervigilance and fear, preventing the narrator from finding peace or rest.3. In what ways does the narrator’s insomnia reflect broader themes of trauma and fear in the chapter?
Answer:
The narrator’s insomnia is a direct manifestation of trauma and the pervasive fear that controls their life. Insomnia here is not just a physical inability to sleep but a psychological response to stress and danger. The narrator’s mind fixates on the crawl space as a metaphor for hidden threats and potential violence, showing how trauma can trap someone in a state of constant alertness. The fear of “not making it to morning” reveals the life-threatening nature of their situation. This insomnia symbolizes how trauma invades the most intimate moments of rest, making healing and safety seem unattainable.4. How might the narrator’s active imagination both hinder and help them in coping with their situation?
Answer:
The narrator’s active imagination intensifies their fear by making the crawl space a symbol of potential horror, which exacerbates their insomnia and anxiety. This heightened sense of danger can be debilitating, as it traps the narrator in a cycle of worry and anticipation of harm. However, an active imagination might also serve as a coping mechanism by allowing the narrator to mentally prepare for threats or to externalize their fear, which can be a first step toward understanding and eventually confronting their trauma. Nevertheless, in this chapter, the imagination appears primarily as a source of distress rather than relief.5. What does the narrator’s fear of “not making it to morning” reveal about their sense of safety and security in the home?
Answer:
The narrator’s fear of “not making it to morning” reveals a profound lack of safety and security within their own home, which is supposed to be a place of refuge. This statement underscores the severity of the abuse and danger they face, highlighting that their survival is uncertain even in what should be the safest environment. It reflects a state of living in constant threat, where the normal expectation of peaceful sleep is replaced by dread and anticipation of violence. This fear encapsulates the emotional and physical peril the narrator endures, emphasizing the urgent need for protection and escape.
Quotes
1. “Sometimes I lie awake at night and think about the crawl space in our basement. It isn’t anything special—a little creepy, but it’s nothing more than a hole in one of the stone walls.”
This quote introduces the chapter’s central metaphor of the crawl space, symbolizing hidden fears and the unsettling aspects of the narrator’s life. It sets the tone for the exploration of anxiety and dread that permeate the narrative.
2. “Maybe it is just because I am in a shitty situation and was blessed with an active imagination.”
Here the narrator acknowledges how their difficult circumstances fuel their restless thoughts, highlighting the interplay between external hardship and internal mental turmoil. This line underscores the psychological impact of their environment.
3. “I’m not scared of the dark. I’m scared I won’t make it to morning.”
This powerful statement distills the narrator’s deepest fear—not of the unknown or darkness itself, but of survival amid ongoing threats. It captures the essence of their vulnerability and the real danger lurking in their life.
4. “Tomorrow night might be all of the lights in the house turned on. The trash bin hurled across the kitchen, leaving a trail of eggshells and crumpled bills and cigarette butts. His incessant, angry voice, repeating the same words over and over as he moves around the house looking for more things that will piss him off even harder, because once he gets going, I swear to God, he loves it and tries to feed that flame.”
This vivid passage conveys the escalating tension and violence in the narrator’s home, illustrating the volatile atmosphere that fuels their insomnia and fear. It highlights the cyclical nature of the abuse and the emotional exhaustion it causes.
5. “I think about how it might be where he hides our bodies one day.”
The closing line starkly reveals the narrator’s darkest fear, bringing the chapter’s tension to a chilling climax. It encapsulates the life-threatening stakes of their situation and the profound sense of helplessness they endure.
Quotes
1. “Sometimes I lie awake at night and think about the crawl space in our basement. It isn’t anything special — a little creepy, but it’s nothing more than a hole in one of the stone walls.”
This quote introduces the chapter’s central metaphor of the crawl space, symbolizing hidden fears and the unsettling aspects of the narrator’s life. It sets the tone for the exploration of anxiety and dread that permeate the narrative.
2. “Maybe it is just because I am in a shitty situation and was blessed with an active imagination.”
Here the narrator acknowledges how their difficult circumstances fuel their restless thoughts, highlighting the interplay between external hardship and internal mental turmoil. This line underscores the psychological impact of their environment.
3. “I’m not scared of the dark. I’m scared I won’t make it to morning.”
This powerful statement distills the narrator’s deepest fear—not of the unknown or darkness itself, but of survival amid ongoing threats. It captures the essence of their vulnerability and the real danger lurking in their life.
4. “Tomorrow night might be all of the lights in the house turned on. The trash bin hurled across the kitchen, leaving a trail of eggshells and crumpled bills and cigarette butts. His incessant, angry voice, repeating the same words over and over as he moves around the house looking for more things that will piss him off even harder, because once he gets going, I swear to God, he loves it and tries to feed that flame.”
This vivid passage conveys the escalating tension and violence in the narrator’s home, illustrating the volatile atmosphere that fuels their insomnia and fear. It highlights the cyclical nature of the abuse and the emotional exhaustion it causes.
5. “I think about how it might be where he hides our bodies one day.”
The closing line starkly reveals the narrator’s darkest fear, bringing the chapter’s tension to a chilling climax. It encapsulates the life-threatening stakes of their situation and the profound sense of helplessness they endure.
FAQs
1. What is the significance of the crawl space in the narrator’s experience of insomnia?
Answer:
The crawl space symbolizes the narrator’s underlying fear and anxiety. Although it is described as a simple, somewhat creepy hole in the basement wall, it represents a hidden, dark place that fuels the narrator’s imagination and dread. The crawl space’s obscurity—being behind the staircase and easily overlooked—mirrors how the narrator’s fears and traumatic experiences are concealed beneath the surface of daily life. This fixation on the crawl space reflects how the narrator’s insomnia is not caused by the dark itself but by the anticipation of danger and harm that might be lurking unseen, especially considering the violent context hinted at in the chapter.
2. How does the narrator describe the relationship dynamics that contribute to their sleeplessness?
Answer:
The narrator describes a volatile and frightening home environment where the mood can shift unpredictably. Even when moments of calm or happiness occur—such as the abuser laughing, bringing flowers, or showing a good mood—the narrator cannot sleep because they fear the imminent return of violence. The description of “all of the lights in the house turned on” and “the trash bin hurled across the kitchen” illustrates the intensity of the abuser’s anger and how it escalates. This cycle of unpredictable abuse creates a constant state of hypervigilance and fear, preventing the narrator from finding peace or rest.
3. In what ways does the narrator’s insomnia reflect broader themes of trauma and fear in the chapter?
Answer:
The narrator’s insomnia is a direct manifestation of trauma and the pervasive fear that controls their life. Insomnia here is not just a physical inability to sleep but a psychological response to stress and danger. The narrator’s mind fixates on the crawl space as a metaphor for hidden threats and potential violence, showing how trauma can trap someone in a state of constant alertness. The fear of “not making it to morning” reveals the life-threatening nature of their situation. This insomnia symbolizes how trauma invades the most intimate moments of rest, making healing and safety seem unattainable.
4. How might the narrator’s active imagination both hinder and help them in coping with their situation?
Answer:
The narrator’s active imagination intensifies their fear by making the crawl space a symbol of potential horror, which exacerbates their insomnia and anxiety. This heightened sense of danger can be debilitating, as it traps the narrator in a cycle of worry and anticipation of harm. However, an active imagination might also serve as a coping mechanism by allowing the narrator to mentally prepare for threats or to externalize their fear, which can be a first step toward understanding and eventually confronting their trauma. Nevertheless, in this chapter, the imagination appears primarily as a source of distress rather than relief.
5. What does the narrator’s fear of “not making it to morning” reveal about their sense of safety and security in the home?
Answer:
The narrator’s fear of “not making it to morning” reveals a profound lack of safety and security within their own home, which is supposed to be a place of refuge. This statement underscores the severity of the abuse and danger they face, highlighting that their survival is uncertain even in what should be the safest environment. It reflects a state of living in constant threat, where the normal expectation of peaceful sleep is replaced by dread and anticipation of violence. This fear encapsulates the emotional and physical peril the narrator endures, emphasizing the urgent need for protection and escape.
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