The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 44
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44
When I nally returned to my home and my dogs and my kids, I was ecstatic.
Guess who wanted to come visit me the rst week I was back? My family.
“We’re so proud of you, Britney!” my dad said. “You did it! Now we all want
to come and stay with you.” But by this point, I could fully see through his
bullshit. I knew what he was really saying was: “I can’t wait to see your money—
I mean, you!”
And so they came—my father, my mom, and my sister, with her daughters,
Maddie and Ivey.
I was a shell of myself. I was still on lithium, which made my sense of time
really hazy. And I was scared. It crossed my mind that they were only visiting to
nish o what they’d started a few months earlier, to kill me for real. If that
sounds paranoid, consider all the things I’d been through up until this point—
the ways in which they had deceived and institutionalized me.
And so I played the game. If I’m nice to them, they won’t ever try to kill me
again, I thought.
For three and a half months, I’d had barely a hug from anybody.
It makes me want to cry, how strong my little heart had to be.
But my family walked into my house like nothing had happened. Like I
hadn’t just endured an almost unbearable trauma in that place. “Oh, hey girl,
what you doing?” Jamie Lynn said, sounding chipper.
She and my mother and the girls were always hanging around in my kitchen.
Jamie Lynn had scheduled all these TV show meetings when she was in Los
Angeles. My dad would go with her to the meetings in Hollywood, and she’d
come back loud and happy. “What’s up, boys?” she’d shout, walking into the
kitchen and seeing my sons.
She’d really found her mojo. I was happy for her. At the same time, I didn’t
particularly want to be around it just then.
“Oh my God, I have this really great idea for me and you!” she’d say after
coming back from yet another meeting as I leaned, practically comatose, against
the countertop. “Get this—a sister talk show!” Every time she spoke, it was a
new scheme. A sitcom! A rom-com!
She talked for what felt like hours at a time while I looked at the oor and
listened. And the phrase echoing around my head was What the fuck is going on?
Once my family left my house after that terrible visit, I started to really feel what
I’d been through. And I was left with nothing but a blind rage. They’d punished
me. For what? For supporting them since I was a child?
How had I managed not to kill myself in that place, put myself out of my
misery like you’d shoot a lame horse? I believe that almost anyone else in my
situation would have.
Thinking about how close I came to doing just that, I wept. Then something
happened to knock me out of my stupor.
That August, my father was arguing with Sean Preston, who was thirteen at
the time. My son went to lock himself in a bedroom to end the ght, and my dad
broke down the door and shook him. Kevin led a police report, and my father
was barred from seeing the kids.
I knew I had to summon one more round of strength, to ght one last time.
It had been such a long road. Of nding faith and losing it again. Of being
pushed down and getting back up. Of chasing freedom only for it to slip right
out of my grasp.
If I was strong enough to survive everything I’d survived, I could take a
chance and ask for just a little bit more from God. I was going to ask, with every
bit of my motherfucking blood and skin, for the end of the conservatorship.
Because I didn’t want those people running my life anymore. I didn’t even
want them in my goddamn kitchen.
I didn’t want them to have the power to keep me from my children or from
my house or from my dogs or from my car ever, ever again.
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