The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 41
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41
As the holidays approached, I was feeling pretty good. Aside from my fear that
my father was plotting something, I felt strong and inspired by the women I’d
met in AA. In addition to being brilliant, they had so much common sense, and
I’d learned a lot from them about how to be an adult woman navigating the
world with honesty and bravery.
For my birthday, Hesam took me somewhere special. I started making
holiday plans, but my father insisted that he would be taking the boys for
Christmas. If I wanted to see them, I’d have to see my father, too. When I pushed
back, my father said, “The boys don’t want to be with you this year. They’re
coming home to Louisiana with me and your mom, and that’s that.”
“This is news to me,” I said, “but if they’d really rather be in Louisiana that
week, I guess that’s okay.”
The Vegas show hadn’t been canceled yet. I was hiring new dancers and going
over the routines. At a rehearsal one day, I’d been working with all the dancers—
both new and old—when one of the dancers who’d been with the show the past
four years did a move for us all. I winced when I saw it; it looked really
challenging. “I don’t want to do that one,” I said. “It’s too hard.”
It didn’t seem like a big deal to me, but suddenly my team and the directors
disappeared into a room and shut the door. I got the feeling that I had done
something horribly wrong, but I didn’t understand how not wanting to do one
move in a routine could qualify as that. I mean, I was almost ve years older than
I’d been when the rst residency started; my body had changed, too. What
di erence did it make if we changed it up?
We’d all been having fun, from what I could tell. I have social anxiety, so if
there’s anything to feel uncomfortable about, I usually feel it rst. But that day
all seemed well. I was laughing and talking to the dancers. Some of the new ones
could do gainers, meaning a standing back tuck going forward. They were
amazing! I asked if I could learn it, and one of them o ered to spot me on it. All
of which is to say: We were playing and communicating. Nothing was going
wrong. But the way my team had behaved made me worried something was up.
A day later in therapy, my doctor confronted me.
“We found energy supplements in your purse,” he said. The energy
supplements gave me a sense of con dence and energy, and you didn’t need a
prescription for them. He knew that I had been taking them during my shows in
Vegas, but now he made a big deal out of it.
“We feel like you’re doing way worse things behind our backs,” he said. “And
we don’t feel like you’re doing well in rehearsals. You’re giving everyone a hard
time.”
“Is this a joke?” I said.
Instantly, I was furious. I had tried so hard. My work ethic was strong.
“We’re going to be sending you to a facility,” the therapist said. “And before
you go to this place, over Christmas break, we’re going to have a woman come to
run psychological tests on you.”
A ashy doctor—who I’d seen on TV and instinctively hated—came to my
house against my will, sat me down, and tested my cognitive abilities for hours.
My father told me that this doctor had concluded that I’d bombed the tests:
“She said you failed. Now you have to go to the mental health facility. There’s
something severely wrong with you. But don’t worry—we found you a small
rehab program in Beverly Hills. It will only cost you sixty thousand dollars a
month.”
As I gathered my stu , crying, I asked how long I should pack for, how long
they’d make me stay there. But I was told there was no way to know. “Maybe a
month. Maybe two months. Maybe three months. It all depends on how well
you do and how well you demonstrate your capabilities.” The program was
supposedly a “luxury” rehab that had created a special program for me, so I’d be
alone and wouldn’t have to interact with other people.
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