The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 35
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35
I loved the dry heat of Las Vegas. I loved the way everyone believed in luck and
the dream. I had always enjoyed it there, even back when Paris Hilton and I were
kicking o our shoes and running through casinos. But that felt like a lifetime
ago.
My residency started right after Christmas in 2013. The boys were seven and
eight. In the beginning, it was a great gig.
Being onstage in Vegas was thrilling at rst. And no one let me forget that my
residency was a landmark deal for the Strip. I was told my show drew young
people back to Sin City and changed the landscape of entertainment in Las
Vegas for a new generation.
The fans gave me so much energy. I became great at doing the show. I got so
much con dence, and for a while, everything was good—as good as it could be
when I was so tightly controlled. I started dating a TV producer named Charlie
Ebersol. To me, he seemed like marriage material: He took great care of himself.
His family was close. I loved him.
Charlie worked out every day, taking pre-workout supplements and a whole
bunch of vitamins. He shared his nutrition research with me and started giving
me energy supplements.
My father didn’t like that. He knew what I ate; he even knew when I would
go to the bathroom. So when I started taking energy supplements, he saw that I
had more energy onstage and that I was in better shape than I had been. It
seemed obvious that Charlie’s regimens were a good thing for me. But I believe
my father started to think that I had a problem with those energy supplements,
even though they were over-the-counter, not prescription. So he told me I had to
get o them, and he sent me to rehab.
He got to say where I went and when. And going to rehab meant that I
didn’t get to see my kids for a whole month. The only consolation was that I
knew it was just for a month and I’d be done.
The place he chose for me was in Malibu. That month, for hours a day, we
had to do boxing and other exercises outside, because there was no gym.
A lot of people at the facility were serious drug addicts. I was scared to be
there by myself. At least I was allowed to have a security guard, who I’d have
lunch with every day.
I found it di cult to accept that my dad was selling himself as this amazing
guy and devoted grandfather when he was throwing me away, putting me against
my will into a place with crack and heroin addicts. I’ll just say it—he was
horrible.
When I got out, I started doing shows again in Vegas like nothing had
happened. Part of that was because my father told me I had to get back out there,
and part of it was because I was still so nice, so eager to please, so desperate to do
the right thing and be a good girl.
No matter what I did, my dad was there watching. I couldn’t drive a car.
Everybody who came to my trailer had to sign waivers. Everything was very, very
safe—so safe I couldn’t breathe.
And no matter how much I dieted and exercised, my father was always telling
me I was fat. He put me on a strict diet. The irony was that we had a butler—an
extravagance—and I would beg him for real food. “Sir,” I would plead, “can you
please sneak a hamburger or ice cream to me?”
“Ma’am, I’m sorry,” he would say, “I have strict orders from your father.”
So for two years, I ate almost nothing but chicken and canned vegetables.
Two years is a long time to not be able to eat what you want, especially when
it’s your body and your work and your soul making the money that everyone’s
living o of. Two years of asking for french fries and being told no. I found it so
degrading.
A strict diet you’ve put yourself on is bad enough. But when someone is
depriving you of food you want, that makes it worse. I felt like my body wasn’t
mine anymore. I would go to the gym and feel so out of my mind with this
trainer telling me to do things with my body, I felt cold inside. I felt scared. I’ll be
honest, I was fucking miserable.
And it didn’t even work. The diet had the opposite e ect of what my father
wanted. I gained weight. Even though I wasn’t eating as much, he made me feel
so ugly and like I wasn’t good enough. Maybe that’s because of the power of
your thoughts: whatever you think you are, you become. I was so beaten down
by all of it that I just surrendered. My mom seemed to go along with my dad’s
plan for me.
It was always incredible to me that so many people felt so comfortable talking
about my body. It had started when I was young. Whether it was strangers in the
media or within my own family, people seemed to experience my body as public
property: something they could police, control, criticize, or use as a weapon. My
body was strong enough to carry two children and agile enough to execute every
choreographed move perfectly onstage. And now here I was, having every calorie
recorded so people could continue to get rich o my body.
No one else but me seemed to nd it outrageous that my father would set all
these rules for me and then go out and drink Jack and Cokes. My friends would
visit and get their nails done at spas and drink fancy champagne. I was never
allowed into spas. My family would stay in Destin, a pretty beach town in
Florida, at a ridiculously beautiful condo that I bought for them and eat good-
tasting food every night while I was starving and working.
Meanwhile, my sister was turning her nose up at every gift I’d given the
family.
I called my mom one day in Louisiana and said, “What are you doing this
weekend?”
“Oh, the girls and I are going to Destin tomorrow,” she said. Jamie Lynn had
said so many times that she never went there, that it was one more of those
ridiculous things I’d bought the family that she’d never wanted, and it turned
out my mom went there every weekend with Jamie Lynn’s two daughters.
I used to love buying my family houses and cars. But there came a point when
they started to take things for granted, and the family didn’t realize that those
things were possible because I’m an artist. And because of how they treated me,
for years I lost touch with my creativity.
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