Chapter 29
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29
Los Angeles is warm and sunny all year round. Driving through the city,
sometimes it’s hard to remember what season it is. Everywhere you look, people
are wearing sunglasses and drinking cold drinks out of straws, smiling and
laughing underneath the clear blue sky. But in January 2008, winter really felt
like winter, even in California, because I felt alone and cold and I was
hospitalized.
I probably shouldn’t admit to this, but I was hell on wheels. I was taking a lot
of Adderall.
I was horrible, and I will admit to doing wrong. I was so angry about what
happened with Kevin. I’d tried so hard with him. I’d given my everything.
And he’d turned on me.
I had started dating a photographer. I was completely infatuated with him.
He’d been a paparazzo, and I understood that people thought he was up to no
good, but all I could see at the time was that he was chivalrous and helped me
out when the others got too aggressive.
Back then I would speak up if I didn’t like something—I would certainly let
you know. And I wouldn’t think twice about it. (If I had been hit in the face in
Vegas—as happened to me in July 2023—I would’ve hit the person back, 100
percent.)
I was fearless.
We were always being chased by the paparazzi. The chases were really insane
—sometimes they were aggressive, and sometimes they were playful, too. Many
of the paps were trying to make me look bad, to get the money shot to show
“Oh, she’s lost and she looks crazy right now.” But sometimes they wanted me to
look good, too.
One day, the photographer and I were being chased, and this was one of those
moments with him that I’ll never forget. We were driving fast, near the edge of a
cli , and I don’t know why, but I decided to pull a 360, right there on the edge. I
honestly didn’t even know I could do a 360—it was completely beyond me, so I
think it was God. But I stuck it; the back wheels of the car stopped on what
seemed like the very edge, and if the wheels had rotated maybe three more times,
we would have just gone o the cli .
I looked at him; he looked at me.
“We could have just died,” I said.
I felt so alive.
As parents we’re always telling our children, “Stay safe. Don’t do this; don’t
do that.” But even though safety is the most important thing, I also think it’s
important to have awakenings and challenge ourselves to feel liberated, to be
fearless and experience everything the world has to o er.
I didn’t know then that the photographer was married; I had no clue that I was
essentially his mistress. I only found that out after we’d broken up. I’d just
thought he was a lot of fun and our time together was incredibly hot. He was ten
years older than me.
Everywhere I went—and for a while I went out a lot—the paparazzi were
there. And yet, for all the reports about my being out of control, I don’t know
that I was ever out of control in a way that warranted what came next. The truth
is that I was sad, beyond sad, missing my kids when they were with Kevin.
The photographer helped me with my depression. I longed for attention, and
he gave me the attention I needed. It was just a lustful relationship. My family
didn’t like him, but there was a lot about them I didn’t like, either.
The photographer encouraged me to rebel. He let me sow my oats and he still
loved me for it. He loved me unconditionally. It wasn’t like my mom screaming
at me for partying. He said, “Girl, go, you got it, do your thing!” He wasn’t like
my father, who set impossible conditions for his love.
And so, with the photographer’s support, I 100 percent did my thing. And it
felt radical to be that wild. That far from what everyone wanted me to be.
I talked as if I were out of my mind. I was so loud—everywhere I went, even
at restaurants. People would go out to eat with me, and I would lie down on the
table. It was a way of saying “Fuck you!” to any person who came my way.
I mean, I will say it: I was bad.
Or maybe I wasn’t bad so much as very, very angry.
I wanted to escape. I didn’t have my kids, and I needed to get away from the
media and the paparazzi. I wanted to leave LA, so the photographer and I went
on a trip to Mexico.
It was like I’d ed to a safe house. Everywhere else there’d be a million people
outside my door. But when I left LA, even though it was for a short time, I felt
far from everything. This worked—I felt better for a little while. I should have
taken more advantage of it.
It seemed like my relationship with the photographer was getting more serious,
and as that happened, I sensed that my family was trying to get closer to me—in
a way that made me uneasy.
My mom called me one day and said, “Britney, we feel like something’s going
on. We hear that the cops are after you. Let’s go to the beach house.”
“The cops are after me?” I said. “For what?” I hadn’t done anything illegal.
That I knew for sure. I’d had my moments. I’d had my wild spell. I’d been high
on Adderall and acted crazy. But I didn’t do anything criminal. In fact, as she
knew, I’d been with girlfriends the prior two days. My mom and I had had a
sleepover with my cousin Alli and two other girlfriends.
“Just come to the house!” she said. “We want to talk to you.”
So I went to the house with them. The photographer met me there.
My mother was acting suspicious.
When the photographer got there, he said, “Something’s up, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Something’s really o .” All of a sudden, there were
helicopters going around the house.
“Is that for me?” I asked my mom. “Is this a joke?”
It wasn’t a joke.
Suddenly there was a SWAT team of what seemed like twenty cops in my
house.
“What the fuck did I do?” I kept shouting. “I didn’t do anything!”
I know I had been acting wild but there was nothing I’d done that justi ed
their treating me like I was a bank robber. Nothing that justi ed upending my
entire life.
I’d later come to believe something had changed that month, since the last time I
was brought to the hospital for evaluation. My father had struck up a very close
friendship with Louise “Lou” Taylor, who he worshipped. She was front and
center during the implementation of the conservatorship that would later allow
them to control and take over my career. Lou, who had just started a new
company called Tri Star Sports & Entertainment Group, was directly involved in
calling the shots right before the conservatorship. At the time, she had few real
clients. She basically used my name and hard work to build her company.
Conservatorships, also called guardianships, are usually reserved for people
with no mental capacity, people who can’t do anything for themselves. But I was
highly functional. I’d just done the best album of my career. I was making a lot
of people a lot of money, especially my father, who I found out took a bigger
salary than he paid me. He paid himself more than $6 million while paying
others close to him tens of millions more.
The thing is, you can have a conservatorship that lasts for two months and
then the person gets on track and you let them control their life again, but that
wasn’t what my father wanted. He wanted far more.
My dad was able to set up two forms of conservatorship: what’s called
“conservatorship of the person” and “conservatorship of the estate.” The
conservator of the person is designated to control details of the conservatee’s life,
like where they live, what they eat, whether they can drive a car, and what they
do day-to-day. Even though I begged the court to appoint literally anyone else—
and I mean, anyone o the street would have been better—my father was given
the job, the same man who’d made me cry if I had to get in the car with him
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