The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 14
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14
Even though the last thing I wanted to do was perform, I still had tour dates left
in my contract, so I went back out to nish them. All I wanted was to get o the
road: To have days and nights all to myself. To walk out onto the Santa Monica
Pier and breathe in the salt air, listen to the rattle of the roller coaster, stare out at
the ocean. Instead, every day was a grind. Load in. Load out. Sound check. Photo
shoot. Asking, “What town are we even in?”
I’d loved the Dream Within a Dream Tour when it started, but it had become
a slog. I was tired in mind and body. I wanted to shut it all down. I had begun
fantasizing about opening a little shop in Venice Beach with Felicia and quitting
show business completely. With the gift of hindsight, I can see that I hadn’t
given myself enough time to heal from the breakup with Justin.
In late July 2002, at the very end of the tour, we headed south to do a show in
Mexico City. But getting there was almost a disaster.
We were traveling in vans, and once we’d crossed the border, we came to a
sudden halt. We’d been stopped by a bunch of guys holding the biggest guns I’d
ever seen. I was terri ed; it felt like we were being ambushed. It just didn’t make
sense to me, but all I knew was we were surrounded by these angry-looking men.
Everyone in my van was so tense; I had security with me, but who knew what
was going to happen. After what felt like forever, there seemed to be some kind
of peace talks happening—it was like in a movie. It’s still a mystery to me what
actually happened, but in the end, we were allowed to carry on, and we got to
play to fty thousand people (though the second show, on the following day,
had to be canceled halfway through because of a massive thunderstorm).
That thunderstorm-canceled show was the last date of the Dream Within a
Dream Tour, but when I told people after nishing the tour that I wanted to
rest, everyone seemed nervous. When you’re successful at something, there’s a
lot of pressure to keep right on doing it, even if you’re not enjoying it anymore.
And, as I would quickly nd out, you really can’t go home again.
I did an interview with People magazine back in Louisiana, for reasons that
seemed ridiculous to me: I wasn’t promoting anything, but my team thought I
should show that I was doing well and “just taking a little break.”
The photographer shot me outside, and then inside with the dogs and my
mom on the couch. They had me empty out my purse to reveal that I wasn’t
carrying drugs or cigarettes: all they found was Juicy Fruit gum, vanilla perfume,
mints, and a little bottle of St. John’s wort. “My daughter is doing beautifully,”
my mom told the reporter con dently. “She’s never, ever been close to a
breakdown.”
Part of what made that period of time so di cult is that Justin’s family had
been the only real, loving family I had. For holidays, the only family I would go
to was his. I knew his grandmother and his grandfather, and I loved them so
much. I thought of them as home. My mom would come out and visit us every
once in a while, but she’s not who I went home to, ever.
My mom was trying to recover from her divorce from my dad, which she’d
nally gone through with; depressed and self-medicating, she could barely get up
o the couch. My dad was nowhere to be found. And my little sister—well,
when I tell you she was a total bitch, I’m not exaggerating.
I had always been the worker bee. While I was doing my thing on the road
with Felicia, I hadn’t been paying attention to what was happening in
Kentwood. But when I came home, I saw how things had changed. My mom
would serve Jamie Lynn while she watched TV, bringing her little chocolate
milkshakes. It was clear that girl ruled the roost.
Meanwhile, it was like I was a ghost child. I can remember walking into the
room and feeling like no one even saw me. Jamie Lynn only saw the TV. My
mother, who at one time had been the person I was closest to in the world, was
on another planet.
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