Chap­ter 8 dives deeply into the chal­lenges faced by sur­vivors of abuse and neglect, par­tic­u­lar­ly through the lens of Mar­i­lyn’s expe­ri­ence. She was a woman who, despite her pro­fes­sion­al suc­cess and out­ward com­po­sure, found her­self ensnared in cycles of ter­ror and numb­ness. Marilyn’s sto­ry sheds light on how child­hood trau­ma can man­i­fest in adult life, lead­ing to over­whelm­ing feel­ings of alien­ation, rage, and self-destruc­tive behav­ior. These emo­tion­al scars often go unno­ticed, even by the indi­vid­u­als them­selves, until they seek help. Ther­a­py, in such cas­es, is a slow but nec­es­sary process, allow­ing the per­son to recon­nect with their emo­tions and their his­to­ry in order to heal.

Marilyn’s reac­tion to inti­ma­cy was root­ed in past trau­ma she couldn’t ini­tial­ly remem­ber, reflect­ing how deeply embed­ded mem­o­ries of abuse can resur­face in unex­pect­ed ways. Her behav­ior, such as sud­den out­bursts of vio­lence or dis­so­ci­a­tion, was a direct man­i­fes­ta­tion of the unre­solved emo­tion­al pain she car­ried with her. As the ther­a­py pro­gressed, it became clear that the body and mind had their own way of remem­ber­ing and express­ing the trau­ma, even when con­scious rec­ol­lec­tion was absent. Marilyn’s case was not unique; many sur­vivors of abuse devel­op cop­ing mech­a­nisms that help them sur­vive but leave them dis­con­nect­ed from their own feel­ings and bod­ies. They may strug­gle with feel­ings of numb­ness, a lack of agency, or emo­tion­al respons­es that feel dis­pro­por­tion­ate to the present sit­u­a­tion. For such indi­vid­u­als, treat­ment must begin by cre­at­ing a safe space for the emo­tions to sur­face and be expe­ri­enced with­out judg­ment.

The chap­ter also high­lights the con­cept of “dis­so­ci­a­tion,” a defense mech­a­nism where a per­son men­tal­ly dis­con­nects from a painful or over­whelm­ing expe­ri­ence. This cop­ing strat­e­gy often leads to a frag­ment­ed sense of self, mak­ing it dif­fi­cult for indi­vid­u­als to engage ful­ly in their rela­tion­ships or sense of iden­ti­ty. As Mar­i­lyn worked through her ther­a­py, it became evi­dent that reclaim­ing a sense of safe­ty in her body and mind was essen­tial for recov­ery. Her body, which had been attuned to dan­ger and sur­vival, need­ed to relearn what it felt like to be safe. Ther­a­py focused on teach­ing Mar­i­lyn tech­niques to man­age her emo­tions and slow­ly dis­man­tle the walls she had built around her vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty. It wasn’t about forc­ing her to remem­ber every­thing all at once, but about gen­tly guid­ing her to process her emo­tions in a way that allowed her to regain con­trol over her life.

In the process of heal­ing, one of the most sig­nif­i­cant steps is learn­ing to trust again—trust in oth­ers, and trust in one­self. Sur­vivors of child­hood trau­ma often feel as if they are trapped in a cycle of mis­trust and fear, believ­ing that any form of con­nec­tion will inevitably lead to harm. Marilyn’s strug­gle was a reflec­tion of this: her inabil­i­ty to trust men or even her­self due to the trau­ma she had endured. Her jour­ney toward heal­ing involved rework­ing her “inner map” of the world—learning to see her­self as wor­thy of respect and love, and not defined by her past expe­ri­ences. Slow­ly, Mar­i­lyn began to rec­og­nize that her past did not have to dic­tate her future, and she could start to build health­i­er rela­tion­ships and a more pos­i­tive view of her­self.

The con­cept of “soul mur­der,” as men­tioned by psy­cho­an­a­lyst William Nieder­land, speaks to the deep psy­cho­log­i­cal harm caused by sus­tained abuse and neglect. Sur­vivors of such trau­ma often lose track of who they are and what they deserve in life. As Marilyn’s sto­ry exem­pli­fies, abuse does not just affect the mind—it impacts the body’s abil­i­ty to func­tion, as evi­denced by her autoim­mune dis­ease that was linked to her unre­solved trau­ma. The body, like the mind, holds onto the effects of past abuse, often man­i­fest­ing in phys­i­cal ill­ness­es or con­di­tions. This con­nec­tion under­scores the impor­tance of address­ing trau­ma holistically—both psy­cho­log­i­cal­ly and phys­i­cal­ly. Marilyn’s heal­ing jour­ney high­light­ed the crit­i­cal need for trau­ma-informed care that acknowl­edges the deep, last­ing effects of abuse and neglect on both the body and the mind.

For read­ers who are nav­i­gat­ing sim­i­lar expe­ri­ences, it is impor­tant to under­stand that heal­ing from child­hood trau­ma is pos­si­ble, though it requires patience, sup­port, and often, pro­fes­sion­al help. Whether through ther­a­py, self-care prac­tices, or the sup­port of a com­pas­sion­ate com­mu­ni­ty, reclaim­ing one’s sense of safe­ty and self-worth is a grad­ual process that can lead to pro­found trans­for­ma­tion. Rec­og­niz­ing that trau­ma affects more than just emo­tions is key to under­stand­ing its full impact on one’s life. It is equal­ly cru­cial to remem­ber that seek­ing help is a sign of strength, not weak­ness. No one should have to face the reper­cus­sions of trau­ma alone.