Chap­ter 46 dives deep­er into the per­son­al and pro­fes­sion­al com­plex­i­ties of Eve­lyn’s life, par­tic­u­lar­ly regard­ing her infa­mous role in a film that both cat­a­pult­ed her career and near­ly destroyed her rep­u­ta­tion. Despite the movie being a com­mer­cial suc­cess, the impact it had on Eve­lyn’s pub­lic image was far from pos­i­tive. Her por­tray­al of a woman with unapolo­getic sex­u­al desires ignit­ed pub­lic out­rage, espe­cial­ly giv­en the film’s explic­it nature and its con­tro­ver­sial X rat­ing. The back­lash was swift and bru­tal, with crit­ics label­ing her as promis­cu­ous, while ignor­ing the bril­liance of her per­for­mance. The public’s reac­tion to her role as Patricia—who bold­ly expressed her sex­u­al desires—was seen as scan­dalous and moral­ly offen­sive to many, even though the role itself was ground­break­ing and pow­er­ful. Eve­lyn found her­self at the cen­ter of a moral pan­ic, where the bound­aries of art and per­son­al integri­ty were blurred, and she became a scape­goat for society’s dis­com­fort with female sex­u­al empow­er­ment.

In spite of the film’s mas­sive suc­cess, Eve­lyn explains how this con­tro­ver­sy cost her more than just an Oscar nomination—it robbed her of her dig­ni­ty in the eyes of many. Don Adler, a man with a noto­ri­ous rep­u­ta­tion, won the Oscar for his per­for­mance, while Eve­lyn was over­looked, despite deliv­er­ing what many con­sid­ered an excep­tion­al per­for­mance. This injus­tice stung deeply for Eve­lyn, espe­cial­ly since she knew how ground­break­ing her por­tray­al was. Yet, instead of being applaud­ed for push­ing bound­aries, she was con­demned and reduced to a stereo­type of the “sex­pot” that the media could eas­i­ly vil­i­fy. Her por­tray­al of a woman who open­ly desired sex became a point of fix­a­tion for the pub­lic, while her true act­ing skill and ded­i­ca­tion to the role were ignored. The hypocrisy of the situation—where the same peo­ple who clam­ored to see the film were the ones chastis­ing her for it—was some­thing Eve­lyn could nev­er ful­ly rec­on­cile.

The con­ver­sa­tion turns inward as Eve­lyn reflects on the per­son­al costs of her career, espe­cial­ly in her rela­tion­ship with Celia. She admits, with deep regret, that her obses­sion with fame and the sac­ri­fices she made for her career ulti­mate­ly drove a wedge between her and the woman she loved. Evelyn’s bisex­u­al­i­ty, often sen­sa­tion­al­ized by the press, was not the source of their breakup, though it played a role in the com­plex­i­ty of their rela­tion­ship. The true issue, Eve­lyn acknowl­edges, was her inabil­i­ty to ful­ly com­mit to Celia, as she bal­anced her love for her with an insa­tiable hunger for suc­cess. She used her rela­tion­ships with men as step­ping stones, lever­ag­ing her sex­u­al­i­ty to advance in the indus­try, while keep­ing her true desires—those for Celia—locked away. This dis­loy­al­ty, Eve­lyn rec­og­nizes, was not one of phys­i­cal infi­deli­ty, but emo­tion­al betray­al. She used her body to gain pow­er, not real­iz­ing that by doing so, she was dis­tanc­ing her­self from the one per­son who tru­ly under­stood her.

Eve­lyn admits to using her body in ways that felt empow­er­ing in the moment but ulti­mate­ly left her feel­ing emp­ty and regret­ful. She acknowl­edges that, at the time, using her sex­u­al­i­ty was the only cur­ren­cy she had, and she did­n’t know how to stop once it had become a means to an end. She slept with men like Mick to pro­tect her career, mak­ing choic­es that, in ret­ro­spect, she real­izes were self­ish and short-sight­ed. She slept with Har­ry because she want­ed a child, think­ing that her mar­riage to Celia would be scru­ti­nized if they adopt­ed. These deci­sions, she con­fess­es, were made with a sense of urgency and fear that she might lose every­thing she had worked so hard to achieve. The tragedy, Eve­lyn says, is that she con­tin­ued to use her body even after she no longer need­ed to. Instead of step­ping away from this behav­ior, she kept using it, even know­ing it would hurt Celia and ulti­mate­ly lead to the unrav­el­ing of their rela­tion­ship.

The guilt Eve­lyn car­ries isn’t just about the choic­es she made with men; it’s about how those choic­es affect­ed Celia, the woman who tru­ly held her heart. She deeply regrets how her self­ish­ness made Celia com­plic­it in her actions, forc­ing her to approve of deci­sions that were harm­ful to their rela­tion­ship. The weight of this real­iza­tion is pro­found: Celia may have left her in anger, but it was the cul­mi­na­tion of years of small betray­als and emo­tion­al neglect that led to the final break. Evelyn’s actions, while born out of fear and ambi­tion, left wounds too deep to heal, even though she nev­er phys­i­cal­ly cheat­ed on Celia. Her great­est sor­row is that she could­n’t ful­ly give her­self to Celia, couldn’t hon­or their love the way she should have. Instead, she used her body for every­thing except the one thing it was meant for: true inti­ma­cy with the per­son she loved most.

In her reflec­tions, Eve­lyn admits that her tragedy was not just about fame, but about the choic­es she made at the expense of her rela­tion­ship. She used her sex­u­al­i­ty for pow­er, for pro­tec­tion, and for val­i­da­tion, all while know­ing deep down that it was hurt­ing the one per­son who had always been there for her. This inter­nal con­flict, her desire for suc­cess jux­ta­posed with her need for love, ulti­mate­ly destroyed what could have been the most mean­ing­ful rela­tion­ship of her life. The com­plex­i­ty of her feelings—her love for Celia, her ambi­tion, and her fear of los­ing everything—created a trag­ic cycle that she could­n’t break. It was­n’t just the men she slept with or the roles she played that caused the pain; it was the way she neglect­ed the emo­tion­al truth of who she was and who she loved. In the end, Evelyn’s true tragedy is not her fame or her sex­u­al­i­ty, but the emo­tion­al dis­tance she allowed to grow between her­self and Celia, and the irrepara­ble dam­age that dis­tance caused to their love.