Chap­ter 34 reflects the inter­nal and exter­nal strug­gles I faced dur­ing a peri­od of my life when my per­son­al and pro­fes­sion­al worlds col­lid­ed under the weight of the con­ser­va­tor­ship. Despite the over­whelm­ing sense of mis­ery that hung over me, I tried to find small moments of joy. One thing that kept me going was the rou­tine of spend­ing time with my kids and work­ing on my pas­sion for dance. Teach­ing chil­dren brought me so much hap­pi­ness and gave me a sense of pur­pose. Their ener­gy was pure and with­out judg­ment, some­thing that was scarce in the world I was liv­ing in. But even in those moments of com­fort, I was con­stant­ly remind­ed of how lit­tle con­trol I had over my own life. I tried to find solace, but the con­straints of the con­ser­va­tor­ship remained a heavy bur­den. I felt trapped and unable to ful­ly embrace the per­son I once was.

Dur­ing this time, I start­ed dat­ing Jason Traw­ick, who seemed like the per­fect part­ner. He was ten years old­er than me, with a career in the indus­try as a TV pro­duc­er, and he under­stood the com­plex­i­ties of my life. How­ev­er, as our rela­tion­ship devel­oped, I began to notice how con­trol­ling he was. He was hyper­vig­i­lant, always man­ag­ing sit­u­a­tions and mon­i­tor­ing every­thing around us. While I appre­ci­at­ed his care and atten­tion, it start­ed to feel like he was too aware of the con­stant media scruti­ny I faced. I had spent so many years in the spot­light that I knew how to han­dle the paparazzi, but Jason’s approach to pro­tect­ing me felt exces­sive at times. This dynam­ic made me feel like I was con­stant­ly under a micro­scope, and while our rela­tion­ship had love, it was marred by the weight of exter­nal pres­sures.

My father’s increas­ing con­trol over my life became a sig­nif­i­cant source of frus­tra­tion. Despite the fact that I was tak­ing ener­gy sup­ple­ments to improve my health and per­for­mance, he insist­ed I stop, even though they were over-the-counter and not harm­ful. He sent me to rehab, where I was forced to fol­low a strict reg­i­men, all while feel­ing iso­lat­ed and out of con­trol. The facil­i­ty in Mal­ibu was filled with peo­ple strug­gling with seri­ous issues, and I couldn’t under­stand why I had been placed there. The rehab expe­ri­ence was trau­mat­ic, and I resent­ed my father for mak­ing deci­sions that stripped me of my agency. It felt like I was being pun­ished, yet again, for some­thing that wasn’t even a prob­lem. When I left rehab and returned to Vegas, I was expect­ed to jump right back into my per­for­mances, as if noth­ing had hap­pened. The pres­sure to com­ply with every demand left me feel­ing emp­ty and dis­con­nect­ed from my true self.

As I con­tin­ued to per­form, I couldn’t escape the feel­ing that I was being treat­ed like a child rather than a grown woman. I was told what to eat, what to wear, and even when to take breaks. The auton­o­my I once had over my life and career had been stripped away. At one point, I was forced into a strict diet and exer­cise rou­tine, only to be told I was still not good enough. The end­less crit­i­cism of my appear­ance and my body took a toll on my men­tal and emo­tion­al well-being. I was con­stant­ly scru­ti­nized, and it seemed like noth­ing I did was ever enough. My rela­tion­ship with Jason, who was also tied to the con­ser­va­tor­ship, began to suf­fer as I real­ized how much con­trol he, too, was under. We even­tu­al­ly broke up, but the weight of the con­ser­va­tor­ship con­tin­ued to affect every aspect of my life.

The expe­ri­ences I went through dur­ing this peri­od made me feel like I was regress­ing. I was unable to act as an adult, as every deci­sion was made for me. The free­dom to express myself, to indulge in life’s sim­ple plea­sures, and to make my own choic­es was tak­en away. I began to feel like a teenag­er trapped in an adult’s body, con­stant­ly caught between the roles of a child, a teenag­er, and a woman. The pres­sure to per­form a cer­tain way on stage, to act in a way that pleased oth­ers, sti­fled my cre­ativ­i­ty and joy. My true self had been pushed down, and the more I tried to reclaim it, the more it seemed like I was being denied the right to live authen­ti­cal­ly. The restric­tions placed on me not only affect­ed my per­son­al life but also had a pro­found impact on my career, where I was unable to make artis­tic deci­sions or even change my per­for­mances. My cre­ativ­i­ty, once a dri­ving force, was slow­ly being crushed under the weight of con­trol and expec­ta­tion.