Chap­ter 19 reveals the intense emo­tions and strug­gles I faced dur­ing my preg­nan­cies, high­light­ing both the joys and dif­fi­cul­ties that come with car­ry­ing a child. While I found immense plea­sure in cer­tain aspects, like enjoy­ing sex and food, the rest of the expe­ri­ence was over­shad­owed by intense mood swings and feel­ings of iso­la­tion. I was irri­ta­ble, dis­tant, and extreme­ly pro­tec­tive, par­tic­u­lar­ly when it came to my fam­i­ly. I didn’t want any­one near me, not even my mom, and became known for being a “mama bear,” fierce­ly defen­sive of those I loved. This phase of my life was marked by frus­tra­tion and a height­ened sense of pro­tec­tive­ness, which some­times led to irra­tional and impul­sive actions. For instance, when Jamie Lynn com­plained about an actress on her TV show, I showed up on set, vis­i­bly preg­nant, and con­front­ed the young woman in a way that, look­ing back, I deeply regret. The fierce­ness I felt was undoubt­ed­ly over­whelm­ing for those around me.

Preg­nan­cy itself was an expe­ri­ence I nev­er could have ful­ly pre­pared for, despite hear­ing count­less sto­ries. While the mir­a­cle of cre­at­ing life was awe-inspir­ing, it came with a series of chal­lenges and fears. The idea of child­birth was espe­cial­ly daunt­ing, as my moth­er often remind­ed me of the painful hours she spent in labor with me. The thought of going through that process nat­u­ral­ly ter­ri­fied me, and I was immense­ly relieved when my doc­tor offered the option of a C‑section. Sean Pre­ston’s birth was a moment of over­whelm­ing joy and love, as he was a sweet and kind baby from the very begin­ning. Just three months lat­er, I found out I was preg­nant again, and though I was thrilled to have two chil­dren so close in age, it took a toll on my body, leav­ing me with feel­ings of sad­ness and lone­li­ness. The pres­sure of nav­i­gat­ing life with two young chil­dren, while the world seemed to be against me, made every­thing feel even more dif­fi­cult.

The paparazzi’s con­stant pres­ence was one of the most chal­leng­ing aspects of my life dur­ing that time. I tried to retreat from the pub­lic eye, hop­ing that the pho­tog­ra­phers would even­tu­al­ly leave me alone. How­ev­er, whether I was at home or sim­ply try­ing to go to a store, they were always there, lurk­ing and wait­ing for the per­fect shot. The media nev­er seemed to under­stand the toll this took on me. I was already strug­gling with my own inter­nal bat­tles and, at my core, was a peo­ple-pleas­er. Grow­ing up in the South, man­ners were deeply ingrained in me, and it was excru­ci­at­ing to be treat­ed with such dis­re­gard and even dis­gust. My every move with my chil­dren was doc­u­ment­ed, and even sim­ple moments, like dri­ving with Sean Pre­ston on my lap or hold­ing him as I cried at the Mal­ibu Coun­try Mart, were cap­tured as evi­dence of my sup­posed unfit par­ent­ing. These pho­tos were mis­lead­ing, and they paint­ed an unfair pic­ture of the chal­lenges I was fac­ing behind the scenes.

One of the most intense moments I recall was in New York, preg­nant with Jay­den James and car­ry­ing Sean Pre­ston, when I was swarmed by pho­tog­ra­phers as I tried to leave a build­ing. They instruct­ed me to get into the car from a dif­fer­ent side, and as I made my way through the crowd, I almost fell, but I man­aged to catch myself with­out drop­ping either my baby or my cup of water. The chaos of that moment was incred­i­bly over­whelm­ing, and in a moment of frus­tra­tion, I blurt­ed out, “This is why I need a gun.” It was a state­ment made in the heat of the moment, and I know it didn’t come across well, but I was at my break­ing point. The con­stant atten­tion, the intru­sive ques­tions, and the pub­lic scruti­ny wore me down, and I just want­ed some peace. What the media didn’t under­stand was that the con­stant flash­es, the cam­eras, and the pub­lic atten­tion were suf­fo­cat­ing, and I was doing my best to han­dle it all while try­ing to be a good moth­er and a per­son.