The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 43
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43
The hardest part was that I believed that, in front of the doctors or visitors, I had
to pretend the whole time I was okay. If I became ustered, it was taken as
evidence that I wasn’t improving. If I got upset and asserted myself, I was out of
control and crazy.
It reminded me of what I’d always heard about the way they’d test to see if
someone was a witch in the olden days. They’d throw the woman into a pond. If
she oated, she was a witch and would be killed. If she sank, she was innocent,
and, oh well. She was dead either way, but I guess they gured it was still good to
know what kind of woman she’d been.
After a couple of months, I called my father to beg him to let me go home.
He said, “I’m sorry, the judge is going to have to gure out what she’s going
to do with you. It’s up to the doctors right now. I can’t help you at all. I’m giving
you to the doctors and I can’t help you.”
The strange part is, before they put me in that place, my dad had sent me a
pearl necklace and a beautiful handwritten card for Christmas. I asked myself,
Why is he doing this? Who is he?
What hurt me most was that for years he’d been saying in front of the
cameras—whether it was when I did the “Work Bitch” video or when the
conservatorship rst started and we did the Circus Tour—that he was all about
me and the boys.
“That’s my baby girl!” he’d say right into the camera. “I love her so much.” I
was stuck in a trailer with Lou’s weird-ass lackey Robin, who I’d grown to hate,
while he talked about what a great dad he was to anyone who would listen.
But now, when I was refusing to do the new Vegas residency, when I was
pushing back on tours, was I still his beloved baby girl?
Apparently not.
A lawyer would later say, “Your dad could’ve totally put a stop to all that. He
could’ve told the doctors, no, this is too much, let’s let my daughter go home.”
But he didn’t.
I called my mom to ask her why everyone was acting like I was so dangerous.
“Well, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know…” she would say.
I also texted my sister when I was in that place and asked her to get me out.
“Stop ghting it,” she texted back. “There’s nothing you can do about it, so
stop ghting it.”
Along with the rest of them, she kept acting like I was a threat in some way.
This will sound crazy, but I’ll say it again because it’s the truth: I thought they
were going to try to kill me.
I didn’t understand how Jamie Lynn and our father had developed such a
good relationship. She knew I was reaching out to her for help and that he was
dogging me. I felt like she should have taken my side.
One of my girlfriends who helped me change clothes every night in the
underground changing room during my Vegas run later said, “Britney, I had
three or four nightmares when you were at that center. I would wake up in the
middle of the night. I had dreams that you killed yourself in that place. And I
dreamed that Robin, the lady who was your so-called nice assistant, called me
and said proudly, ‘Yeah, she died in the place.’ ” My friend said she worried about
me the whole time.
Several weeks into my stay, I was struggling to stay hopeful when one of the
nurses, the only one who was real as hell, called me over to her computer.
“Look at this,” she said.
I peered at her computer and tried to make sense of what I was seeing. It was
women on a talk show talking about me and the conservatorship. One was
wearing a #FreeBritney T-shirt. The nurse showed me clips of other things, too
—fans saying they were trying to gure out if I was being held somewhere
against my will, talking about how much my music meant to them and how they
hated to think I was su ering now. They wanted to help.
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