The Woman in Me (Britney Spears)
Chapter 20
byYou are being provided with a book chapter by chapter. I will request you to read the book for me after each chapter. After reading the chapter, 1. shorten the chapter to no less than 300 words and no more than 400 words. 2. Do not change the name, address, or any important nouns in the chapter. 3. Do not translate the original language. 4. Keep the same style as the original chapter, keep it consistent throughout the chapter. Your reply must comply with all four requirements, or it’s invalid.
I will provide the chapter now.
20
When Sean Preston was very little, Kevin started working harder on his own
music. He wanted to make his own name, which was something I encouraged.
He was recording a lot, which was his passion. Sometimes I’d drop by a studio
where he was working and it seemed like a clubhouse. I could smell the weed
wafting out of the studio door before I even walked in. He and the other guys
would all be getting high, and it felt like I was in the way. I wasn’t invited to their
party.
I couldn’t stand being around pot smoke. Even the smell of it nauseated me.
And I had the baby and was pregnant, so it wasn’t like I could hang out all day.
So mostly, I stayed home. It’s not as if that was such a hardship. I had a beautiful
home—a dream home. We would hire an amazing chef—too expensive to use
very often. But one time, eating something the chef cooked, I said, “Oh my God,
this is the most delicious thing I’ve ever had and can you just live with us? I love
you so much!” And I meant it—I loved him. I was so grateful for any additional
help around the house.
Maybe this is the way married couples are, I thought as Kevin and I grew more
and more estranged. You take turns letting each other be a little selfish. This is his
first taste of fame for himself. I should let him have it.
I gave myself pep talks: He’s my husband. I’m supposed to respect him, accept
him on a deeper level than I’d accept someone I was just dating. He’s the father of
my kids. His demeanor is different now, but if it changed, it could change back.
People say he’s going to break up with me while I have tiny children, like he did
with the mother of his first two children when they were infants, but no way! How
he was with his other family won’t be the way he is with me.
In trying to make up all these excuses in my head, I was lying to myself—
totally in denial this whole time that he was leaving me. I ew to New York to see
him. He’d been so out of touch that I thought we needed to have some time
together as a family. In the city, I checked into a nice hotel, excited to see my
husband.
But he wouldn’t see me. It seemed like he wanted to pretend I didn’t exist.
His manager, who had been on my team for years, wouldn’t see me, either.
He was on Kevin’s team now and it seemed they were done with me.
“Damn, really?” I said.
All I could think was that I wanted to get close enough to Kevin that I could
ask him what was going on. I wanted to say, “When you left to come out here,
we hugged. You kissed me. What’s going on? What happened?”
I’d suspected something was up, that he was changing, especially once he
started getting press and feeling himself. One time he came home late and told
me he’d been at a party. “Justin Timberlake was there!” he said. “Lindsay Lohan
was, too!”
Do you think I care about your stupid party? I thought. Do you have any idea
how many parties like that I’ve gone to? I’ve known some of those people longer than
I’ve known you. Do you know how much I went through in my years with Justin?
No—you know none of it. I didn’t say any of that, but I wanted to say it and a
whole lot more.
Kevin was just so enthralled with the fame and the power. Again and again in
my life I’ve seen fame and money ruin people, and I saw it happen with Kevin in
slow motion. In my experience, when most people—especially men—get that
type of attention, it’s all over. They love it too much. And it’s not good for
them.
Some celebrities handle fame well. They have perspective. They have fun
being admired but not too much fun. They know whose opinion to listen to
and whose opinion to ignore. Getting awards and trophies is cool, and in the
beginning—those rst two years when you become a celebrity—well, it’s a
feeling you can’t explain. I think some people are great at fame.
I’m not. My rst two or three years I was good at it, and it was ne, but my
real self? In school I was a basketball player. I didn’t cheerlead, I didn’t wanna be
out there. I played ball. That’s what I loved.
But fame? That world isn’t real, my friends. It’s. Not. Real. You go along
with it because of course it’s going to pay the family’s bills and everything. But
for me, there was an essence of real life missing from it. I think that’s why I had
my babies.
So getting awards and all that fame stu ? I liked it a lot. But there’s nothing
lasting in it for me. What I love is sweat on the oor during rehearsals, or just
playing ball and making a shot. I like the work. I like the practicing. That has
more authenticity and value than anything else.
I actually envy the people who know how to make fame work for them,
because I hide from it. I get very shy. For example, Jennifer Lopez, from the
beginning, struck me as someone who was very good at being famous—at
indulging people’s interest in her but knowing where to draw lines. She always
handled herself well. She always carried herself with dignity.
Kevin didn’t know how to do any of that. I’ll confess, I’m not great at it,
either. I’m a nervous person. I run away from most kinds of attention as I’ve
gotten older, maybe because I’ve been really hurt.
At the time of that rough trip to New York, I should have known my
marriage was over, but I still thought it might be salvageable. Later, Kevin moved
on to another studio, this one in Las Vegas. And so I went there, hoping to talk
to him.
When I found him, he had his head shaved. He was getting ready to shoot the
cover for his album. He was in the studio all the time. He really thought he was a
rapper now. Bless his heart—because he did take it so seriously.
And so I showed up in Vegas carrying Sean Preston, still pregnant with
Jayden James, full of sympathy for Kevin’s situation. He was trying to make
something happen for himself and everyone seemed to be doubting him. I knew
what that was like. It is scary to put yourself out there like that. You do really
have to believe in yourself even when the world makes you wonder if you have
what it takes. But I also felt like he should have been checking in more and
should have been spending time with me. Our little family was my heart. I’d had
his babies inside of me for a very long time, and I’d sacri ced a lot. I had all but
abandoned my career. I had done everything to make our life possible.
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